MARRIAGE BOUND

Pearl of the Day: Individuate and Graduate

The pearl from the song written by Martin Johnson says “two is better than one”. Yet why is it that couples morph into one animal with two heads?

All too frequently couples lose their sense of self, purpose and identity because they succumb to their partners insecurities and directives.

My husband wanted to go and play golf with my dad, “to honor the official opening of the season” and asked my permission to which I said, “you don’t need my permission nor to justify why you want to play”.

Then as he was heading out the door he looked at me with such worry and said, “I’m going to leave my ring” here. To some wives, this is a perfect invitation to throw a hissy fit. So I played it up a bit and just stared at him.

This provokes a long-winded explanation of why he can’t wear it when he plays which led to a tactless Tiger Woods joke - which had something to do with 18 holes.

I finally just cracked up laughing. He left and I began measuring how much I really cared if he wore his wedding ring or left it at home.

I wear mine, don’t wear mine, forget to wear it, haven’t cleaned it in about a year, in other words I neglect my ring shamefully. It’s amazing I remember to put on a bra before I head out the door let alone load up on jewelry!

Then I thought about the old saying about the wife being the ball and chain and vowed to toss that one out the window and shed the image of a wife as a warden. My husband is no good to me as a prisoner – whiny, hungry, no fresh air, begging for freedom. Oye, no thank you. He is best when he is free.

Ring or no ring, I firmly believe couples should pursue their individual and separate interests. All too frequently couples lose their sense of self, purpose and identity because they succumb to their partners insecurities and directives. We cut ourselves short because our partners can’t deal.

Admirably, my parents always pursued their separate interests, my dad being an outdoorsman and going off on rafting/camping adventures and my mom off to spiritual retreats. Sometimes their respective interests converge, like their upcoming trip to Africa (Pause for a moment – my parents on Safari… my mom got a head to toe net… someone please go and film them!!) and other times not so much.

I firmly believe couples should pursue their individual and separate interests. When you are both fully standing in your power you amplify everything and everyone around you. You graduate into a whole new level of partnership.

Copyright © 2010 Cynthia Litman d/b/a Tigris Imprints. All Rights Reserved.