MOTHER's JOY - M's Gems

The conversation continues with M's Gems by my BFF Melissa Goldberg

Motherʼs Joy

To Void or to Avoid...that is the question.

We often go through our days moving through the motions and sometimes we come to a void, it is a natural occurrence and yet it can drive you crazy.

Can a full time, working mom of 3 embrace and enjoy the void? Can anyone in any circumstance embrace and enjoy the void? I have artfully mastered the practice of multi-tasking and rely on my never ending to-do list and so perhaps I can fit in accepting and dealing with those spontaneous moments when I feel that void. Uh oh, perhaps I can use some practice. It is much easier to Avoid these times when we fill empty and it nags at our hearts. There are so many things that happen in life that create these voids; death, divorce, abuse, abandonment, people moving away and the list goes on. Some times they are severe and often they are small but effective enough to affect us. Lauren Simon shared some amazing stories about how when we appreciate these feelings we often find healthy solutions.

Creative Therapy - One example that Lauren Simon discussed on Motherʼs Joy was her need to be in the kitchen. It is very important to have an outlet. Recently I started playing Mah Jongg (an old chinese tile game) and to me it is more than a game. It is a time i set aside to stop working, stop cleaning or any chores that I usually tend to for the house, for my spouse or for my children. Itʼs me time. Make sure you find time to do something you enjoy, a hobby, an activity anything that takes you away.

Find Your Refuge - Siddhartha said “Inside of you, there is a peace and refuge to which you can go to every hour and be at home.” Our bodies provide this skill to protect us, just like a turtle goes into its shell for protection and a hedgehog rolls into a ball of sharp spines (Thank you, Nickelodeonʼs “Go Diego, Go”). To survive, we as humans will find our refuge.

Share Your Weakness - Lauren Simon shared this very powerful piece of advice during her time on Motherʼs Joy. The importance of sharing our weaknesses. We are good at “putting on a happy face” but overtime it will affect you. By sharing your weakness, in a safe environment, it often empowers us and can empower others as well. During a tough time in my life, I did share my troubles and quickly learned I was not alone. This exercise allowed me to accept the void and it gave me strength do deal with my situation.

Inspiration - Look for role models. Look for people who make you smile and feel good. Often we admire people and sometimes we are jealous of them, which is not always a bad thing. Learn what makes you admire them. How did they handle the situation? Do they show strong leadership? A great attitude? A strong desire to succeed? I remember when my daughter was in the hospital, I remembered Sally Fieldʼs character in Steel Magnolias when the daughter in the movie was sick. I was inspired by the characterʼs strength and perseverance. I realize this person was a fictional character, but it worked for me.

Define Normal - You may require a little creativity here. You must define and accept your normal. Decide on your expectations. Many mothers dwell on perfection on a daily basis, so when you continue to be let down time after time on something in your life, it is ok to redefine normal. If you find yourself serving frozen waffles for dinner after a long day, donʼt feel bad, embrace it. The meal is yummy, itʼs filling your familyʼs bellies and itʼs really unique. You know what? In your family, breakfast for dinner is normal.

Change Your Mind - It is okay to change your mind...itʼs never too late (even at the ice- cream counter). Sometimes you will think it cannot be done. If you think it cannot be done, it will never get done, but if you simply change your mind, you will be amazed at what you can do.

Write A Letter - The pen is a mighty sword and it is a way to release your feelings. Try it, you will be amazed at what comes to you; anger, sadness, regret. This is also a good tool to give to your children. Itʼs a healthy and safe way to release our emotions.

Reflect - This is a tool I often use at work and it can be used for everyday life as well. How often have you planned something and had a specific goal and after the fact you seem disappointed at the outcome because it did not go the way you envisioned it to go? Instead of beating ourselves up over what went wrong it is a great time to reflect. Whether you think about it or sit and write it down, ask yourself what went right? Ask yourself, How or What would you have done differently. Life is full of wonderful lessons. When things do not go according to plan make an effort to learn from the experience.

Reiki, Massage, Yoga - Itʼs important to mention some exercises designed to improve your mental strength besides your physical strength. These exercises improve anxiety and stress resulting in better health, better moods and better concentration.

Meditation - Many wonderful women in my life really believe in the powers of meditation. For a long time I didnʼt understand how this can work, but you know what? I have been doing a very basic form of meditation for years. When things are very tense and I need to take a break I go for a pedicure. This is my meditation a place where I sit, I donʼt think, I let my mind be blank, I donʼt talk. It never occurred to me how helpful and healthy this is for me. Besides the pretty toes, I feel better, more relaxed and happy (a big ahhhhh) OK, this is a stretch but for some folks the deep practice of meditation is hard and so finding your own unique and comfortable form of meditation works too.

Cynthia has been the Yin g to my Yang. This super organized, Type-A girl, who seems to always have a sense of urgency has seen the “light”. When the Void is loud and a real nuisance, I will treat it and embrace it and enjoy the space!

Namaste ~ Mʼs Gems