SILENT TREATMENT

By: Cynthia Litman
 
Pearl of the Day: In Silence, The World Screams

Having laryngitis is humbling and calling to mind the Taoist philosopher Laozi's pearl silence is a source of great strength.

My family and friends are having a field day with this one for they mistakenly perceive me as out of my power. This experience has re-affirmed how I would never voluntarily take a vow of silence or run off to a monastery. I mean, for a lawyer/radio show host, this is hell! 

Yet in my forced retreat, I understand why people seek out the silence.  There is calmness and quiet gained once you surrender to being silent. While certainly out of my element, I am not without power.

I am particularly tuned into how my children are responding. Children are magic mirrors into our own inner world - they reflect us to us. I notice that while I am quiet my children are glowing. My son has been staring at me and breaking out giant smiles.

While there’s much I want to say to them, I preserve my voice for when it is truly needed. Like to intervene when my son was choking my daughter I hoarsely screamed "NO!" After which, I retracted and calmly and very quietly whispered, “sweetie, just hug her around her body.” He responded with “Oh” and they gave each other a bear hug.

Even without using my voice my children understand. The modern tendency is to be ultra reliant on words for expression. This results in so much pressure on what and how much our children are saying often resulting in the loss of alternative means of communication.

In silence, I’ve had to quickly implement these alternatives mean of communication via eye contact and nonverbal cues. Fortifying ourselves with multiple ways to communicate enhances what we are conveying beyond the limitations of words.

Moreover, in silence you are forced to listen which is off putting for this momma bear.  Yet, what I am hearing are the distractions from my suddenly amplified surroundings. In listening and feeling out my surroundings I notice who and what is screaming for my attention versus what flows in a natural and organic manner. The “screams” from friends, lovers or family lead to overwhelming headaches.

In measuring whether a relationship - personal or professional, is unwelcome noise look to see if you still have your voice in the relationship. Your strength and a will to remain engaged. When you have completely lost your voice in a relationship, it may be time to cut the chord.

With the parent – child relationship, both the parent AND child must maintain their individual voices. If a child knows their voice is not being heard what is the point of speaking? Oftentimes the child will repress or find a way to cope or rebel. They will act around what is being demanded to conform within their parent’s parameters despite how unreasonable it feels to them.

Think of something your parents imposed upon you or refused to hear when you were a child. How did you cope? Are you now perpetuating that same dynamic with your child because you feel like if you had to deal with it then they must also have to deal with it?

Unlearning is hard but not impossible. Recognizing the dying relationships in your life sometimes entails pressing the mute button. Cancel out the white noise in your life and uncover a deep well of inner strength and awareness of your external environment.

Stop, look and listen or as some Taoists say "sit in oblivion".

For more insights into "Conscious Co-Parenting" check out the Conscious Co-Parenting Institute

Copyright © 2010 Cynthia Litman d/b/a Tigris Imprints. All Rights Reserved.

Laozi image licensed pursuant to the Creative Commons License