Mommas Pearls

Stage Fright: How My Moms Stage Fright Inspired Me

2012-01-24T16:19:00.006-05:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Pull Back the Curtain

On the journey of exploring generational wisdom and self-love, key memories are coming forward as I unlock my fear and realize the pearl "my fear lies within."

While speaking with my fellow mom friends about our daughters upcoming dance recital I recalled the many times I took the stage. I also remembered something about my mom.

When I was younger, my mom took a dance class and was very into it. I always admired my parents for maintaining and pursuing their independent interests. They took ballroom dancing lessons together, but this class was just for my mom to get her groove on.

The weeks leading towards her big dance recital were a time of great angst and anticipation.

With my almost 4 year old daughter, her eyes light up at the slightest prospect of being in a dance show. She whirls and twirls all around the house and is just pissed she has to wait until May. It's a big wide open chance for her to be with her adorable little ballerina girlfriends performing what she’s been learning all year long in a 4 walled, audience absent room where her mommy catches glimpses through a very small window. My guess is she’ll rock that dance show and my fellow mommas and I will be laughing, crying and beaming the whole time.

My mom’s eyes had quite a different glint to them when she’d talk about her upcoming dance show. That glint was filled with fear – a deer frozen in headlights, how am I going to do this, what did I sign up for - fear. She gets massive stage and camera fright. She loathes it and I saw her wrestle with that fear all my life.

Her fear of being upon the stage and showcasing what she’s learned throughout her dance class obviously stems from her life experience but it triggered an underlying fear in me. I feared wanting to shine, in all aspects of my life, and not fully enjoying the process of sharing my gifts and fearing the reaction of an unknown audience.

What exactly is waiting when the curtains are drawn? What will be seen?

Instead, I had mastered what we’ll call “Sharing Turrets” where I’d bombard and dump all my goods on the table and run, rather than share in an organic natural manner.

My mom crafted a game plan for her recital, she’d just smile and do it. And that’s exactly what she did. Her smile was frozen onto her otherwise petrified counting down the seconds until she’s off that stage face. She went through the motions, hitting every move. After all, she is a master perfectionist student first, scaredy cat second.

We, her real audience in that room of 100, cheered the loudest. We were all so proud of her and impressed she did it. She got on that stage and made it through!! Bravo Momasita, bravo.

I see throughout my life where I’ve been too fearful to just pull the trigger. To just go for it. To put my brave face on and just get up on that stage and do the funky chicken. To stop worrying about the applause, heckles or stone cold silence I may or may not receive and just do what I love, be who I am, do my work and share my gifts in the best and the most graceful way possible for me.

Gabrielle Bernstein recently gave me a nice kick in the ass to take the stage, as I relayed my fears about taking my journey with the Mommas Pearls blog and radio show to the next level and start group coaching. I'm onto my second group Tele-call series and am facilitating workshops.

On the upcoming Mommas Pearls Tele-call series we are taking a journey of self-love and through that journey we’ll pull back the curtain and cast a spotlight upon what triggers our fears, insecurities and doubts which may have stopped, stalled or delayed us. We'll strip it naked, like they say to do to overcome stage fright, and let the love shine through.

The love we hold for ourselves even in our most fearsome and overwhelming moments is the barometer for which our love for others is measured and how our children will gauge their own self love.

May your grand gusto performance be worthy of an encore.

Learn more about the Mommas Pearls Tele-Call Series by clicking through...

Join us for a FREE PREVIEW CALL on Monday, January 30th @8pmEST
CALL IN INFORMATION:
Conference Dial-in Number: (605) 475-4000
Participant Access Code: 1001670#

The Man Of Steel - My Grandpa

2011-11-12T11:09:00.000-05:00


At his 90th birthday dinner.

As our Mommas Pearls theme this week is tapping into our inner superhero, I am honored to share with you the memories of a man who was a true life superhero. My grandfather, Morris, who held the superpowers of endurance, love, faith, wit, humor and the sheer will to live.

98 years ago on 11-12-13, my grandfather, was born. He passed in 2009 and today would have been his 98th birthday. In many ways he still is here. He lives on through his family. His memory burns bright in our hearts and minds.

His wits kept him alive through the most horrid conditions in surviving the Holocaust. His faith was his coat of arms and being Jewish was a badge of honor. His endurance kept him running marathons well into his 80's and his creed was if you took care of your body it will take care of you. His love of his family was his greatest and most prized possession. And he was one of the funniest mo fo's around! With our without his vodka shnopps he'd have us all rolling with his jokes and his stories. I adored him and my grandma, his Hannela. They were the cutest people ever to have graced this plane.

In honoring my grandfather on the 3rd anniversary of his passing and in remembering my ancestors, for he was the last of the Mohicans of my grandparents to pass (endurance!), I'm honored to share my eulogy from his funeral service filled with his pearls of wisdom and the mantras for life of one of the world's best superheros.


My grandpa, Chief Morris in costume at my sister & I's major Halloween Birthday Bash, replete with his tom tom tuppleware drum!

I am honored to stand here before you as the first grandchild of Morris Gerkowitz on behalf of all his grandchildren.

My grandfather was the man of steel. He had a slender frame but endured so much in his lifetime. He is the consummate model of survival, endurance and independence.

While he lived such a long and storied life he was the simplest person. He loved his family, his Jewish heritage, his sports and lived his life with Honor, Integrity and a Jewish Heart.

He stayed active all his life and kept tabs on my health and fitness routine. He ran marathons well into his 80's and there was the mini-hall of fame in Grandpa’s backroom covered with newspaper clippings, trophies and medals from his various marathons and gymnastic achievements. He was so proud to show them off and each time you went back there it was like the first time you saw them. It was just so awesome to hear this champion remember his winnings, time in the circus as a gymnast and his races.

He had a wicked sense of humor and loved telling jokes. Our whole family loves to take turns in the spot light. When he turned 92, I started to joke with him that he was finally starting to act his age. Before then, my grandparents would joke about other old people and never considered themselves elderly. They were both so proud to be independent and remained so up until the end. His laugh was as infectious as his sense of humor and I will remember it always.

He cared little for material things or earthly possessions and lived by the notion that "you eat to live and not live to eat." Something which runs counter to my personal feelings but which I admired in him as yet another showcase of his discipline.

The value he placed in being Jewish was priceless. He loved his heritage and closely followed all the achievements of the Jewish people. He saved newspaper clippings with prominent Jewish and world events and wholeheartedly believed that the world’s greatest thinkers and inventors were all Jewish. We are a remarkable race. He was kind of like the dad in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding", but for Jews.

His affinity for being Jewish perplexed me as he'd recount memories of being a young man who was frequently beat up and ganged up on for being Jewish in anti-semetic Poland and because of his religion he lost his life in Poland and underwent long hellish years during the Holocaust. Yet, his religious faith and his love for my grandmother, his soul mate, whom he married 3 times, pulled him through.

I love the story of how when they were surviving in Russia, he got separated from my grandmother and forced to be a medic in the field for the army and figured out he would charge for services until he saved enough to bribe the authorities to let him go, and he went in search of my grandmother.

He clung to his heritage as his way of perpetuating it and ingraining it in his family. The holidays were a blast with him especially Passover when he would adlib the Sedar stories with the real story behind the story which he’d wrap up each quatrain with “okay, that’s it.”

He was definitely an orator and loved engaging in philosophical conversations and had a wonderful intriguing perspective on world events. He read the papers every day, had a sharp mental acuity and was proud to have been a contributor to the Jewish Forward.

I always looked forward to hearing his speeches at the family events. He carefully crafted the speeches and actually saved all the speeches he made for his family’s memorable occasions. A great archive now for us to have.


Holding a photo of his soon to be 1st great-	grandchild

He was enormously proud of his family, his grandchildren and his growing line of great-grandchildren. We represented the future which he never thought he'd see.

My grandparents would crack me up with tales of the younger years with his 3 daughters and you can see his pride when he spoke of them and their mischief. He loved my dad, like a son and dad, he was so grateful for you being there this past year. He completely adored all his grandchildren, and couldn’t be prouder. He thought my sister and I did well with our selection of men.


with my daughter at my grandma's shiva

He certainly gave credence to the “great” in being a great-grandparent to my children and loved that the torch in the relay race of his family is continuing onto another generation.

My grandfather loved it when I brought my kids over and would play the piano with them. That was the cutest thing ever to witness. He was teaching them the same tunes he taught me throughout my life, called himself Mozart and loved watching them dance. I look forward to them playing these tunes to my children as they grow up.

While he loved us all dearly there was no one who stood before my grandma and his beloved wife, Hannah. They had googly eyes for eachother for as long as I knew them and were such flirts. The longevity of their love and adulation of eachother is admirable. They lived one of the greatest love stories of all time.

We all knew that when one passed the other would be soon to follow as this was the tie that bonded them and kept them alive throughout all their years. So off into the light they go to be re-connected with the family and loved ones they left behind so many years ago and who they firmly believed always watched over and protected our family.

He was the last of my grandparents to pass. A great chapter in my family has concluded. It’s very strange to think of all my grandparents in the past tense, especially my mom’s parents. They were always there throughout my life. It was my little grandma and my grandpa who loved his vodka schnapps.

He promised to look over us and we talked about what his symbol would be to me so I would know he’s around I said, all you need to do is laugh. He laughed and then thought seriously and said, "whenever you are outside and its about to rain I will keep it from raining until you are safe inside." This from a man who all his life has danced between the raindrops.

He was a fighter to the very end and one of my last talks with him I asked what he’d want everyone to know and it was simple, “I love my family, each one equally, and that’s it.”

Back at ya grandpa, I love you.

Happy birthday. :)

Out of Hands

2011-10-11T12:38:00.000-04:00

Pearl of the Day: Life, liberty and the pursuit of sanity!

Our founding fathers long ago endorsed the notion that in order to birth your own life you must first declare your independence. My cousin Lynn proffers the pearl that Mommyhood is trying to stay sane while balancing spinning plates on top of sticks held from both hands and feet.

There is nothing more freeing and restraining than being a mom and having your own family. Like John Hancock, moms set the ground rules for their house. Yet with this independence the mom’s attention is constantly in demand. There seems to be an unlimited supply of outward attention mom’s dole out on a regular basis.

Each facet of a mom’s life, Marriage, Kids, School, Friends, Activities, Work, Parents, House, Doctors, Shopping…. represents a plate in the cupboard and the mom’s are the lucky ones with the job to keep the plates spinning on top of sticks from your hands and feet. When one starts to wobble you need to put your attention there to get it spinning again until another one begins to wobble and you shift your attention there.

Sometimes, you need to let a plate fall and begin spinning another one but our attachment to the plate that already broke, ya know because you got that one from your mother and now it’s a big mess on the floor and the kids are charging in with bear feet, may cause us to miss the other plate that’s about to go.

I bet every mom feels like this. You crave your independence and need to check your mirror to make sure you are okay. Except sneaking a peak while in the midst of juggling the plates, well, there ain’t nothing graceful about that picture!

Think back to when you were engaged and first going to pick out your registry. You may have asked your mom for some guidance as to what items you needed to stock your new home with and your dishes pretty much set the stage for the rest of your items. You needed to decide how many settings you would need which was based upon how much entertaining you were planning to do and who you were going to do it for. This assessment usually begins with counting how many people in your family that you expected to invite to your table. Then you needed to add 2 plates for reserves.

So in many ways you chose exactly which pattern suited you best and to stock your cabinet with. Interestingly enough the dishes my then fiancé and I selected were later discontinued, when we heard this news we scoured the globe to stock up on our pattern.

Bet what you didn’t know back then when you signed on for Mommyhood is that you unconsciously decided to stock extra break proof plates for the kids and their friends, travel plates plus fine china!!

By setting your own home, stocking your kitchen with your dishes and inviting people over you are indeed declaring your independence. Many men take pride in this and perch themselves at the head of the table as the king of their castle. Personally I like the queen’s seat.

Before you ask a mom how they’re doing first conjure up the image of twirling plates and realize they may be in the midst of a Cirque du Soleil performance. Then be ready to dive in and help them twirl their plates or take one off their hands or just walk away or give them a push so they drop those old chipped hand me down plates and take them shopping for new ones.

Much like our country which is still in its infancy trying to find its role in the world, moms are the givers of freedom or pain, the police, goodwill ambassadors, social secretaries, consummate chefs and when we find a quiet moment, independent.

Yet when seeing our cupboard full, we take great pride and are all to happy to take them out for a spin.

For a refresher on the Declaration of Independence please visit:

http://www.ushistory.org/declaration/document/index.htm

For some cute snack plates check out:

http://www.twolia.com/shop/products/hand-painted-ceramic-lunch-or-snack-plates

For books on attachment issues my mom recommends: Susan Johnson “Hold Me Tight”

Powerless Power

2011-09-06T01:26:00.001-04:00

Candle In The Dark

Pearl of the Day: Enlightened Darkness, The New Natural

Deepak Chopra has said this pearl of wisdom " In detachment lies the wisdom of uncertainty . . . in the wisdom of uncertainty lies the freedom from our past, from the known, which is the prison of past conditioning."

When we are forced to detach from our comfort zone an amazing shift occurs. Once you are rendered powerless and the compass that directed your world is in a tailspin, you have no choice but to detach and go inward into the core of your being and detach.

Know it or not, your core spirit is always centered and ready to weather whatever storm comes your way.

The recent string of natural disasters coupled with the global economic crisis is enough to unseat any fixed being or thing, Washington Monument included, tossed on top of your already hectic life and personal dramas and you are dealing with a category 5 hurricane that wipes out your previous sense of normalcy and leaves you floundering amidst a blackout.

Instinctually, you want your life back to normal ASAP and many initial reactions are to seek shelter and power at friend’s houses or businesses so you can quickly and seamlessly re-plug into the wired world.

Others, like myself, sat powerless.

The basic gift of light, ice (especially for accident prone children floundering in the dark!), a hot shower, air conditioning, became the new “It” treasured commodities in an otherwise entitled society. Who has power or a generator and who doesn’t, became the new talk on the streets, and money proved powerless to get your power restored any faster.

We are so far removed from any form of lifestyle where we can't walk into a store and have aisles of food lined up before us, yet we see how fragile our modern existence is and how we can be transported back to a primitive way of living in an instant.

Each passing powerless day pulled me further out from the wired media matrix world and questioning how quickly I wanted to resume my last wired session.

How comfortable are you sitting at home in the dark?
Do your shadows come darting out?
Or are you at peace with your inner light turned on enjoying the lulling sounds of silence and humming of your neighbor's generator?

It’s not easy to let it all go and surrender to the powerlessness, welcome the darkness and accept that your modern conveniences - lights, air conditioning, hot water, perishable food, television and electronics- are on a much needed respite and assume a new much quieter albeit a little stinkier version of your former self. Especially for any extended span of time.

When the sun sets and your space is lit with candles, the hue of an otherwise white bulb bright room magically softens and the shadows of the flames light up your families faces.

Children are so adaptable. You wonder if your kids can easily unplug or are they desperately seeking a fresh supply of batteries to sustain their wired portable device electric ways?

As the eye of the hurricane fixates upon you, your relationship with your family is front and center. Their safety, welfare, sanity and the need to constantly entertain each other fades to black as you find yourself sitting around the candle lit living room just being and lounging.

Your no longer passing time but keeping with time.

It presents a unique opportunity to play catch up with each other and with your pets who’d otherwise take a side seat to your lap top. Telling stories over your flashlight microphone and being keenly aware of the sound waves that are filled by your voices and the laughter of your children versus the hissing of powerful wind gusts against your window.

Your home which is your safest place on earth suddenly feeling vulnerable and at risk to being whisked away to Oz. What you valued as your prize possessions a week before the blackout now seem immaterial and worthless as a new measurement - survival - underscores the new currency.

Hmmm, Luis Vuiton or a loaf of bread? Gucci bag or clean water?

Tragedy often evokes spiritual awakenings yet freedom reigns knowing that well after the storm surge, our spirits are our new impenetrable fallout shelter.

My grandparents used to say, “anything and everything can vanish in a second” or to some, in a New York minute, "so treasure love above all else."

When the lights come back and your eyes re-adjust, your interior once again looks and feels unfamiliar as your compass has shifted a degree from the storm.

Melissa's husband suggested that there should be monthly mandatory blackouts, a self imposed day off from the modern world (sans the loss of power to your fridge and preferably not on the coldest or hottest day of the year), are you game?

Hear more: WORD FROM OUR MOMMA AUDIO on Gabrielle Bernstein's website www.Herfuture.com

A Wing and a Prayer

2011-07-15T11:31:00.002-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Fingers Crossed, Eyes Open

Free Bird

Many in life live with this pearl as their mantra “expect the worst, hope for the best.”

We send our children out into this world on a wing and a prayer. We pray for them to dance between the raindrops and out of harms way.

Yet we know that independence is something that our children earn, over time, in small stints which eventually accumulate into great strides. Knowing our kids are confident, self assured and able to navigate their way is the ultimate parental goal.

When an event like the murder of an 8 year old Brooklyn boy, Leiby Kletsky, who so desperately wanted to walk the 8 blocks from his camp to his home and begged his parents to afford this small token of independence and freedom, that on his way home he asked the wrong person for directions, which led him in a most heinous way to the other side, happens, we second guess everything and everyone and our open hearts clamp closed.

It’s beyond a tragedy that strikes the core of a close knit community and places the reset button on many parent’s minds about children’s freedom and independence. When we thought we could breathe easy with our kids we now gasp for air.

What good is independence if you can’t follow it home?

Just this morning, my son asked if he could walk to the bus by himself. I just laughed at his intuitive timing. I then realized how every parent will receive the “I can do it on my own” request/demand at some point and in some form and at some point will cede to their request.

I remember wanting that freedom too, it was on the tip of my tongue and I could taste it. I walked home from school by myself at age 5, actually, I remember dashing home to see my new baby sister. What was only 5 blocks away, felt like miles. And at the time, there was a look out for white vans, which I'd run away from and still terrify me.

Now as an adult, I practically beg my parents to hold my hands. But I am glad they let go.

The four walls of the constructs of our homes expand out into our community and the circumference of what’s your child’s familiar space, widens. The further you go, the wider it is. Your block, your neighborhood, town, city, state.... We want our children to be comfortable and most importantly, safe, no matter where in the world they are.

Our neighborhoods are our testing grounds for life.

What we send out and bring into our communities matter. When an event like this happens, we realize we are all each others children. We have a duty to look out for each others welfare, especially our neighbors. Without going full blown yenta, for safety reasons, we should be aware of who are neighbors are, what they are into, if they have a pool, if they keep weapons in the home, whose home during the day, who is up early morning, late evening, etc... but you'll never ever truly know.

After we’ve removed the training wheels, we have to trust fate.

There’s a scene in Ice Age 3: Age of the Dinosaurs (2009), where SID (a laffable animal) tries to save a bird from being a Momma T-Rex’s and her babies dinner. Sid grabs the bird from the offering table and goes to set him free, all while the bird is struggling in fear, Sid then drops him off a ledge into the precipice with a "go be free" and as the bird is plummeting he realizes it’s a flightless bird and 50 feet below another predator snatches him up.

Us humans are the greatest animal experiment. We are all predators with marked prey, whether money, food, achievement, enlightenment, love, status or a great summer sale. Our darker side preys upon bullying, abuse, kidnapping, drugs, alcohol, addictions or violence.

What holds us from evolving beyond these instincts and into utopia?

All tendencies are engrained in our human instincts and evolutionary experience. With the billions of people in this world forming the most eclectic trail mix ever, it’s hard to avoid the nuts and just get the golden raisins.

My grandparents were the ultimate survivors and when I’d say something positive like, “my son is so handsome and strong” they’d be so quick to say “kananahora, poi, poi, poi” and follow with “god willing.” With them there were never enough lucky charms to cloak the ones they loved.

While I adorn plenty of amulets, I want to hope for the best - in people, myself, my children, my neighbors - and expect better than the best, I want my children to exceed and raise the expectation bar even higher.

Fingers crossed. Eyes open.

RAW TALKING MOMMA

2011-06-30T19:32:00.005-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Love The Deepend

Our kids are our greatest joys, they can also be our biggest pains in the asses which is why Clark Gable/Rhet Butlers brilliantly uttered pearl from Gone with the Wind (1939) “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” is something many a parent want to say.

We may bite our tongues but our energy still needs to get released. Yes, it would be ideal to transmute it into love in every waking parenting moment but sometimes our kids give us such a run for our money that pushes our physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological to its limits.

Such is why Adam Mansbach’s book GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP comes as a welcome reprieve. When you’re at the breaking point, and you can feel it coming on, you can border on the utterly ridiculous. Sleep is just one miniscule area. I mean, if your child isn’t sleeping, neither are you. Sleep deprivation, as we all know, leads to some funky messed up behavior and poor health conditions. We simply don’t function right without sleep.

In our delirium anything is likely to spew from our mouths. Actions you may never have taken in your right mind, when you are sane and well rested, now become your last grasp of desperation.

I remember a former colleague of mine, who happens to be among the most stable, grounded, down to earth people I know, has multiple children, saying how she’d be up all night with her baby trying to get them to sleep, rocking them in her arms, humming to them and with each one, she was tempted to just walk over and toss them out the window.

Joking of course. Kind of. Sort of. Okay, not really.

There’s only so much one can take. With kids, even when it's bad it's good, but there's not enough oxygen available for the number of ommmmm needed to get you back to center, back to that loving space where your children are the most blessed miracles.

Way Out

Parents all face that breaking point, that place where it’s you or me kid and you’d better get on board or I am just dropping your ass and heading for the nearest exit sign.

Nothing personal kid, just a matter of self-preservation.

Many a nights my husband and I wish we had a cross bow shaped tranquilizer dart gun to aim straight at our children’s asses when it’s way passed our bed time but our kids are still so completely revved up with no signs of slowing down.

So Adam’s book comes as a much needed collective sigh of relief that you in your 3 o'clock in the morning madness are not alone, but are among millions of parents (yours included) who wish their child had an off button so you can re-charge your batteries.

When you've faced the end of your rope and your child won't stop whining, mistakes you for a tissue, or insists on being carried when your back is breaking, your most primal survival instinct kicks in.

You are not alone in the deep end, we've all been there, some of us just passed the deep water test.

But it is those desperate moments, where you begin to deconstruct every form and feeling of love you feel for your child, your role as their protector, and begin to challenge every fiber of your strung out being that makes you feel like the worst parent in the world.

Are there suddenly conditions on my love for my child?

Nope, you and they just need to go the fuck to sleep. ;)

LOVE CHILD

2011-06-22T23:56:00.001-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pear of the Day: Children are Love

Happy Family Happy Home

When it comes to love I think of Eden Ahbez’s pearl as echoed in Baz Lurhman’s film Moulin Rouge “The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

Children are love. Being a parent is love’s reward. Love is the only language children are fluent in and understand completely. Children are born into this world completely open and ready for love.

Somewhere down the line as we grow we move out of the heart space and into the head space. We forget about love. We then spend our adult life lost and searching for love.

To our children, our language becomes foreign and a space inside grows empty as they just want to be re-filled with love.

We simply forget. We search for it, we crave it.

Mother Teresa puts it perfectly with the pearl “the hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.”

Through love is our connection, our appreciation our gratitude. Our kids want so badly to feel this connection from their parents.

When you forget yourself, correct yourself and start simple.

Start by expanding your own willingness to understand and feel love. Notice something about your child that you may have brushed off before and give it attention. Affirm your children.

Expanding the conversation of love is this week's special guest on the Mommas Pearls radio show, Laura Duksta’s mission with her best selling children’s book “I Love You More”. That along with her second book “You are a Gift” are wonderful starting points to help guide you to expand your conversation and open up another layer to your familial relationship.

So love and be loved!!

Healing Home

2011-06-06T09:00:00.024-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the day: A Soft Divide

Home Is Where The Heart Is

When we look at our attachments they can take on a more emotional form and like Dorothy Gale’s famous pearl “there’s no place like home”.

There’s no place where we are so attached and so vulnerable. Or at least we start out that way when the umbilical chord attaches and sustains the unborn via its mother.

Even after the chord is cut, the end trails linger as our dependency takes root.

Our families shape the mold of who we are and how we feel. Lifetimes are spent trying to fit that mold. As Natalie Berthold says “children just want to be loyal, good and please their parents.”

The family we are born to (or placed with) is the first chord we string and who we draw upon for support.

Yet many pristine familial environments are polluted. No family system and dynamic is perfect. We all have our issues and challenges to meet. However, home holds the most power over us. Particularly emotionally. Every tear, grunt, sigh, laugh, moan, chill, fear is exponentially powerful when elicited on the home front.

So when something disrupts the family system it shakes us to our core. If someone backs out of their assigned role in the family unit, it leaves the rest to cope, pick up the slack and assume a role they aren’t used to their emotions are compounded.

Even minor incidences can penetrate the kids emotional field. If I even raise my voice an octave or give my daughter a sharp "NO!" she loses it. My son is also sensitive to any perceived attack.

Young children haven’t quite developed their filters to protect their emotional bodies. Older children may have become too porous from their younger years to no longer be able to discern, hold or recognize healthy boundaries.

Handling children with kids glove is unrealistic but being aware of your impact upon them can mean a world of difference. Permitting the space within the family unit is not just a healthy dynamic but a necessary function of each individual’s experience within the family unit.

So it would seem that detachment is a healthy phenomenon. Just remember not to run with your scissors as you begin to cut your chords.

Try a more gradual, layered approach and be gentle with yourself and remember this gem, healing is a process, not a band aid.

Re-visit SCAR TISSUE where we begun this string of pearls…

Watch the Mommas Pearls VLOG.

Tune into the Mommas Pearls Radio Show.

THE CHOP SHOP

2011-05-26T22:31:00.002-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Gaining Through Losing

Before

During Oprah’s farewell show, I wondered how could she give up what she loves the most and recalled the Buddhist pearl “the greatest generosity is non-attachment.”

We humans tend to cling and create crutches, whether a physical trait, friend, habit or a favorite sweater.

On the Mommas Pearls radio show, I often ask my guests to name their most beautiful feature. Depending on the day and how humid the weather, my answer for physical feature is my hair.

Prepping

Admittedly, my hair is a crutch. I’ve hid behind it for years and have an - if it doesn’t look and feel good I don’t feel/look good - relationship going with it. That and a “I’m too young for you to be so gray” thing going on.

Yet people lose their hair every day to cancer, disease and/or pregnancy. I’ve been growing my hair for the past year and thoroughly enjoyed my goddess locks stage. Now with spring, it’s time to lighten up and I cut 10+ inches off and donated it to Pantene Beautiful Lengths.

Going, going

I’ve wanted to donate my hair for a long time but never really mustered the courage to do so.

So it kept growing and growing and growing, way past my longest ever college length. Got to the point where even I thought it was too long. I was keenly aware that it grew past the goddess locks stage and went straight to strung out hippie stage.

What was I so attached to? It’s just hair – right? Mattress stuffing. It grows back.

So I cut my chord.

GONE! 10+ inches

My hair signified a direct line of attachment to a core characteristic of how I perceived myself and weighted my self esteem. Oh vanity, you are a shallow biaaaatch. Now with my hair short (& I haven’t yet done it myself) and barely going into a pony tail, I am way out of my comfort zone.

AFTER

I clung to my hair like my grandfather clung to his one pair of glasses during the war. Ridiculous. Without it I can no longer hide. At least there's a way to share a piece of me that I love.

Hair today, gone tomorrow. Freedom comes in all forms, mine is short form.

Check out my sister article and review of a mom's night out sponsored by StyleMom and Iced Orchid on Mommas Pearls Specials.

Copyright © 2011 Cynthia Litman d/b/a Tigris Imprints. All Rights Reserved.

UNITY DIVIDED - Mommas Pearls

2011-05-13T17:57:00.002-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Yin Yang Effect

Yin Yang 1

In one long weekend our world united to experienced powerful polar events of love and fear and I was comforted happening upon Swami Vivekanada’s pearl, "All differences in this world are of degree, and not of kind, because oneness is the secret of everything."

Early Friday morning, hundreds of millions of people, witnessed the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, a shining beacon of LOVE.

Late Sunday evening, President Obama took to the airwaves to announce the death of the USA’s most wanted evil villain, Osama Bin Laden, the pinnacle of fear.

Yowza, what a weekend! In all this unity, there is a great divide. On an individual and group level. Two reactionary tales.

The Royal Wedding

The royal wedding rekindled the little girl’s fairytale with its opulent and regal display. A commoner transforms into a princess. A girl becomes a woman, the ultimate in feminine "princess" energy yet still echoing the patriarchy of giving away a woman to a man. Prince William opted not to receive a wedding ring. Yet, there I was, hooked into the grand ceremony, pouring my heart into this young couple.

The DVD

When we look at William, we see Princess Diana who was divinely tapped into the world’s heart. With her memory comes sorrow and remembrance of her lost life, just as she was stepping into her power. Her legacy lives on with her sons and you can feel her presence surrounding William and this love renewed in this young couple. The world is at their feet.

Kate becomes part of the royal family and I say good luck with that. I mean, check out who her in-laws and grandma are! How would you handle your grandma looking like an Easter yellow peep on your wedding day? But can you say anything, uh, not to a true Queen.

England, our mother country, which we fought to emancipate from but is our staunchest ally still has a royal family. In the US, our celebrities are our monarchs, and we hold lost ideals about monarchies. The societal and class aspect was very notable during the ceremonies attended by the upper echelon of royals and world leaders clad in their morning suits and adorned with their fascinators, to the Mad Hatter esteem, while the "people" in mass look on.

All the pomp and circumstance of this grand ceremony seems off in these economic times and the new royal couple acknowledged this. What we saw was supposedly a dialed down version out of respect for the economic times. Uh huh. And what a grand display it was which we'll examine every little flawless detail of this grandiose wedding forever more.

Yet it embodies LOVE and the space of our hearts.

The Villain

On the other side of the pendulum is Osama, the greatest criminal mastermind of our time, shot dead, what does he represent?

For the past decade, he was branded as the US poster child of fear and perhaps rightfully so. The events of September 11^th are branded upon all of our souls and was a major wake up call. We are not untouchable and the Geneva Convention conventional rules of warfare were officially off the table.

What Osama represented to the US has petrified millions for over a decade and his image a haunting reminder of how unsafe this world is. Much like Lord Voltomore even when he was seemingly dormant his shadow lurked in our minds. However, to others, he was a leader, a dark lord to light their path and carry out their ideals.

So when late Sunday evening, Obama declared him dead after a covert seals mission and said “Justice has been served” no doubt it stirred a mixed range of emotions. A cold swell.


It's on a mug!!

The photo released in the situation room during the operation is intense. The look on Obama’s face is fierce. Finally, he’s gone gangsta!

He who shall not be named's death symbolized a death within us, a fear lurking in the personal corners of our individual beings.

After a decade long manhunt we finally got him. Those celebrating shared in the strength that the US does not back down and we are rebuilding Ground Zero. A chapter is closed.

Should it matter whether we raided his compound in a sovereign territory in the middle of the night where he and his family were sleeping? I have nightmares like that. Yes, he had family too. A very large well bred family who watched their father figure be plastered as a wanted man, hunted and ultimately shot in the head and dumped at sea. Justifiable homicide? Deserving? Smart power?

Down with a villain or rising of a martyr?

These questions stir up our anger, our ire, our fear, and conflict with our humanitarian side of honoring a life. Is our penchant for love and fear really as interchangeable as an o”S”ama and a o”B”ama? Are we closing one chapter just to begin another?

As we step into the new energy of this earth, love and fear transmute into oneness.

The notion that they are one in the same seems inconceivable yet this energy is played out within our global family and flips to love then flops to fear. Our world currently supports both. We each others mirrors. Wonder if we can reconcile the energy within us that remains after you sense the world is not so starkly colored in black and white.

What an intense weekend it was for us to experience. Makes you wonder how this weekend will unfold...

CREATION SPACE - Mommas Pearls

2011-05-06T11:35:00.002-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Your New Zip Code

Stork in the Night

My mom and I were chatting and she said this beautiful pearl in honor of Mother’s Day: “giving birth is beyond anything else in this world. Whether you are a mother to your child or a child to your mother, it’s the original core of being.”

How does this miraculous journey happen?

Before my first pregnancy, I dreamt that a line of huge storks were flying high up above the clouds, soaring through the air in formation on their way to pick up my baby from the birthplace of souls. It never clicked before what supersized cardboard lawn storks had to do with babies until that dream.

In the animated Pixar Short Film “Partly Cloudy”, storks are assigned to their creation “cloud people” way up in the heavens. The cloud people create all the beautiful things in the universe, puppies, adorable babies with a gathering of the clouds and a poof of lightning. A bit below the light cloud people, there is a darker cloud person, Gus, who is responsible for creating the crocodiles, porcupines, rams and what you’d perhaps put on the naughty list.

Gus’s stork, named Peck, has it rougher than most storks. Instead of cuddly babies to carry, he’s flying while battling bites, flesh wounds, porcupine needles to carry Gus's creations out into the world.

Exhausted, Peck returns for his next pickup but freaks out when he sees his next package awaiting demarcation is a fully toothed shark. YIKES!! He changes course and flies up to the light Cloud Person, looking on, Gus, is noticeably upset and angry and looking at his shark, his baby. To his surprised delight, the stork returns fully armed with a helmut and shoulder pads.

We are all armed with exactly what we need to welcome the beautiful gifts which are our children, in whatever package they arrive.

During my first pregnancy, I felt like a big fat fluffy angel cloud. I was keenly aware of the energy vortex that cocooned my belly, which was always piping hot to the touch. It was a time of complete surrender and trust. I've never been so in tune with my body, yet so completely out of control with the process of creation which takes on a life of its own.

Receiving the stork and welcoming our children is among life’s greatest and most miraculous surprises.

When that stork comes and we give birth, we bring the children into our world and their new homes with a sense of wonder - How did this happen? Is it really happening? What will happen? Are you sure you had the right address?

Then we watch our babies morph into this world. The earth energy merges with our bodies by way of air, water, food, energy waves and is constantly evolving. As more toxins appear in our once natural world, we need more armor. Like Peck, the stork, we navigate our surroundings the best we can.

Is it really possible to remain pure spirits like we were on our stork ride?

Luckily, there are certain lifestyle choices we can adapt to make the creation space our permanent residence.

We will explore these choices with holistic lifestyle expert Latham Thomas, founder of Tender Shoots Wellness on this week’s Mommas Pearls radio show.

Mother May I? - M's Gems

2011-05-03T13:02:00.000-04:00

By: Melissa Goldberg

Oh yes indeed you may...

Which is why Mommas Pearls is re-posting this precious M's Gem to remind all the mommas who we come to celebrate this year again!!

Mother’s day is a National Holiday that dates back to 1914 when President Woodro Wilson made it official. A day to honor Mother’s all over the country. Anna Jarvis, the “Mother” of Mother’s Day had a vision to increase respect for parents and strengthen family bonds. The tradition of handing out carnations was started because her mother’s favorite flower was a carnation. What is an interesting fact, is that many years after the holiday was instituted, Anna was quite upset about the level of commercialism it had become and spent her inheritance in trying to ban the holiday (Thank you Wikipedia for your fact finding).

Gail, Cynthia’s mom told us on the Mommas Pearls Radio Show, “to be present and to be in the moment when celebrating with your mother”. In honor of Anna and our Mother’s, here are some ways to honor and celebrate Mothers everywhere.

Some of M’s Gems...
• Words - The power of words is astounding. Forget the card store, write a note, draw a picture, no need to rhyme or to stay in the lines...

• Enjoy Her Passion - Some mothers’ like crafts, they like sports, they love books or games. This weekend do something she loves to do, you may even learn something new. If your mom loves her garden, then forget the florist and head to the local nursery and pick up some plants, gloves and tools.

• Talk is Cheap - No, Really, talk is cheap! There is nothing like a long walk in the park or sitting on a chair on the porch where you can find some great conversation. Talk is cheap but the conversation can be rich!

• Take a Picture With Your Mom - How many times do we give a framed picture of our kids to our mother’s, no no no, On this day, we honor them. Go about this the way you wish. You can go over the top and set up a formal photo shoot at a studio or you can have a friend with a nice camera come over and click away or even better have your kids sketch a portrait.

• Feed Her Soul- When in doubt...eat! They say, the way to a man’s heart is through his belly, well this works for women too. Remember to dine on Mom’s favorites.

• Share an Experience - No, this doesn’t mean you need to take mom skydiving, but do something that allows you both to do something different. This adds to the memories and the stories that you can share and talk about for years. Ideas? Well, perhaps a dance lesson, a cooking class or you can take a road trip and drive to a book store out of town to attend a book signing...whatever mom wants.

• Interview your Mother/Research your Mother - The basis behind Mommas Pearls is telling our stories and writing them down. Get her voice on tape, ask her as many questions as you can. You may be surprised by some of the answers. Even though you know your mother your whole life, there is still a lot you don’t know.

• BE Honored / BE Celebrated - If you are a mom, don’t forget to allow your loved ones to pamper you, to celebrate you and to honor you – you’ve waited all year for one day, enjoy it!

Happy Mother’s Day!

(Note: Originally published May 2010)

LIVE LIFE NOW! - Mommas Pearls

2011-04-14T21:04:00.000-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Ride Away

I was listening to Kris Allen sing the song (originally written by the Irish band The Script) whose title is an amazing pearl, “Live like You’re Dying” (watch the video) and was struck.

Every moment we live brings us closer to our death. Yet we often don’t live it up in the precious moments we have. There are a million reasons for not being fully committed to the present as life’s “distractions” are just another part of living.

Every so often you need to stop for a moment and ponder Sophie Chiche’s, CEO & Founder of Life By Me, favorite question - What is meaningful to you?

Such was the question - well actually, the question that you ultimately ask after thinking if you knew you only had 1 month to live, how would you spend it? - that my friends had a ball tossing around possible scenarios.

Would you be gentle on your body and be in lotus pose praying in a sacred place? Or, go out like a bad ass looting, plundering and pillaging? Or, go all glutton sin style and chow down burgers, fries & chocolate peanut butter milkshakes until you bust a gut? Or, pack it up and head for hills? Or, travel to all those pegs on your map you’ve yet to visit? Or, would the last remnant of you be a cartoon outline on the door as you rush towards your fate in a mad sheer doomsday panic?

We all have a lot of life to live.

Seeking answers to what means most to you can be paralyzing if not painstaking. The lyrics in my new favorite song also ask - “So if you’re life flashed before you, what would you wish you would have done?”

If knowing the end is near changes your equation in how you live your life then perhaps a shift is in order. Perhaps this overarching reality brings us closer to our authentic selves and wanting to further live life with purpose.

So what are your reasons for living?

If you are waiting for an invitation, consider yourself cordially invited to fill every moment of your life with meaning.

Chew on that while I go grab some chocolate. ;)

Tea For Two - Mommas Pearls

2011-04-08T10:15:00.001-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Sip of Life


Audra Moran, Me, my Girl & Kelly Ripa

With time flying the way it does I’m thinking of the pearl “Don’t count every hour in the day, make every hour in the day count.” (anonymous)

Such is my mantra for the time spent with my children – most of the time. In the midst of our busy schedules carving special time away with your children becomes priceless quests. If Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet can vow to “make it count” in the mega-film Titanic (1997) when we know that ship is going down, we can bring it home to every day.

We received an invitation via Skimbaco Lifestyle to attend a Tea Party at the Eloise Shop at New York City’s infamous Plaza Hotel hosted by Kelly Ripa and sponsored by Electrolux. The mother-daughter event kicked off a special effort in support of the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund (OCRF) initiative to help find a cure.

What an invitation. Warrants a dress. Ugh. While I dislike wearing dresses, for my daughter, I will enter her princess world in style. Admittedly, I was and in many ways still am a tomboy but the sweetness of a tea party and dressing up my daughter brought tears to my eyes. Particularly when she gasped and said, "mommy, you look beautiful." Before I had a daughter I envisioned days like this.

It was a beautiful New York morning when we approached the Plaza and my daughter and I marveled at how beautiful the building is and we reminisced about the days we shared in Central Park. With her in my arms we entered.

My daughter was treated like royalty at the Eloise Shop and I was on a mommy high. Until Kelly Ripa shared how she lost a close friend to Ovarian Cancer and supports the OCRF so hopefully “our daughter’s will never know the words Ovarian Cancer.”


Tea Service

This popped my little fairytale bubble I had going on in my mind and brought me back to all the more importance of spending days like this with my children. You just never know what is waiting out there for them or you.

With all the things you have to worry about as a parent and that our children have to brave in this world, the shimmer of hope that Ovarian Cancer, which can rob a woman of her gifts of womanhood, or any cancer for that matter, which shatters the dreams of families like teacups, can be obsolete in her lifetime would be an unbelievable sigh of relief and take one thing off the roulette table!

Until that time, be sure to savor those precious moments and honor your reservations for tea while your table is full.

Full Disclosure: "My participation in the ‘Chari-Tea Party’ Campaign was sponsored by Electrolux who provided me with transportation arrangements to and from New York City to participate."

For more details about the day, please read the full Mommas Pearls review.

Divinely Intertwined - Mommas Pearls

2011-04-01T00:59:00.002-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Trash Talk

Holy Trash!

On my morning walk, I noticed garbage, lots of garbage, and then I came across Imelda Marcos’s pearl, “People say I’m extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty, but tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?"

Some mornings, I notice the light, other times the green stems cropping up from the ground and flowers bursting into the air, but on this particular morning, there laid the empty coffee cup, rows of trash bags, a really screwed up lawn chair decades past its prime on the sidewalk and a soda can. My block is usually quite pristine so what gives?

As I walked over to help an elder neighbor bring her trash to the curb, I was struck at how we are always taking out the trash. Really, it just never ends, we take in stuff, unwrap it, consume it and toss it. It’s a daily ritual we practice well into our old age.

Taking out the trash is a necessity in as much the same way as our need to cleanse ourselves. Spiritual healer, Pauline Esposito puts it this way, “as we evolve, we reach certain plateaus and then work to clear out so we can shift up a level and work from the vibration of the new level until we plateau and need to shift again.”

Before we reach the plateau usually an event keys off whether we are truly ready to make the next leap and we need to clear house to make way. Perhaps you’ve stayed in one place to long and your trash has piled up.

When something has passed its expiration date, do you eat it? Admittedly, I’ve gambled a bit here and there even when the item is saying in black and white that it’s time to toss it.

Clearing our fields is an opportunity to honor where you are while releasing who you no longer are, which may be bound with resentments and wounds that you’ve carried for lifetimes. When you unload, you begin to breathe deeper, walk a bit stronger and leave your trash on the curb.

Meditation is a way for you to listen, scan and cleanse your body, energy field and mind. When you begin, you may spot the trash resting within, usually because you can’t move passed it, like, if you set your garbage pail in the middle of the driveway, it blocks your car from leaving. You need to move it over so you can pass or another rather unfortunate option, just run it over.

When recognize the block, learn from it then pack it up, and release it back to spirit or as my dear friend Macha says from A Course In Miracles, “return it to love.” When you clear out and open up Pauline says, “creation becomes easy and everything will fall into place.”

Parts of us are recycled everyday, our thoughts, blood, excrement and one day our bodies will be recycled to the earth and our spirit to source. When any part of our being backs up, our physical, spiritual and emotional bodies will usually set off cues we’re in trouble. Those cues, like litter, are asking to be noticed and picked up and dropped in the proper receptacle.

Once you clear out and dump Oscar The Grouch, then spirit will step in and help tidy up.

For all you April Fools, that's a truly sacred spring cleaning!

SING SONG

2011-03-03T17:24:00.000-05:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: A New Soundtrack

My lil Rock Star

Spring is near and hearing the birds chirp again is music to my ears and has me thinking of Eric Olson’s pearl “Music is what life sounds like.”

Indeed the rush of life often sounds like a big crescendo yet there is a subtle chord that we each hold. Our lives ebb and flow to our own beats and we flow in and out of rhythm.

If your life was set to music what would it sound like?

Perhaps, like angelic sounds praising you in hallelujah; evil and eerie tunes like The wicked witch of the east, Psycho or Jaws, alarming you towards danger; the charging sounds of horses; the heroes “here I come to save the day” song; the beautiful sounds of surprise - tah-dah; an operatic melodrama; the sounds of the ocean’s deep mysteries; or maybe the twinkling sounds of magic and discovery.

My soundtrack likes to shuffle and sometimes go into Auto tune mode. Other times it’s shut off altogether. While the singing beauty gene completely dodged me and has been virtually outlawed, music in its solitary or group form, is priceless and always there when I need it most.

How many times have you turned on the radio only to hear exactly what you needed to in music. It stikes the sad chord and just as easily helps me put on a happy face. Michael Torke asks “Why waste money on psychotherapy when you can listen to the B Minor Mass?

Indeed, music is a wonderful therapy and the jukebox of my soul is filled with a variety of different beats. Music leads you down many paths – joy, sorrow, celebration and love. It accompanies you on road trips and can set you in a running zone. It's often sensual, powerful, raw, innocent and any one chord can invoke a waterfall of emotions.

The power of music is at our fingertips and you are the conductor.

The other day in the car, my kids began signing spontaneously, to the tune of Beyonce’s "Single Ladies” which we’ve edited to “all the stinky babies…. Get your hands up…. I’m off to the tub….” They realized the other was singing too and wanted get in tune but they kept missing eachother, they’d start, then stop…. It was hilarious. They then stopped and talked about what song they’d sing and It took them a few tries and counting off 1, 2, 3 until they got in harmony. I had two full fledged pop stars in my back seat, singing away, happy as can be.

Music appreciation is a deeply personal experience and I’m learning how to help their relationship with music evolve and deepen. My kids can really get down! We have regular dance parties and I love their impromptu Grammy Award worthy performances.

I love how their singing has developed from the cooing of their baby stage to the sing songy stage now my sons got this rock star thing happening and my girl is channeling her inner Bari Koral, who joins us this week on the Mommas Pearls radio show to help us further explore the importance of music in our children’s lives.

If your soundtrack sounds like a broken record, strike some new chords.

THE MAIN ATTRACTION

2011-02-02T08:45:00.000-05:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Week: Plug into Your Heart

"Roses in A Vase" - Renoir

With all the nostalgia that February brings, I keep hearing the pearl in Poison’s song “every rose has its thorn.”

The "law of attraction" is no secret and has been a universal spiritual law for centuries, so why does it seem that so many people are clueless as to its existence and power?

I often wonder if I actually asked for what I received with defeatist thoughts like – “I don’t remember signing up for this”, “I got more than I bargained for”, "I reaped what I sowed" and my good old standby “that’s the way the cookie crumbles.”

Then I recall one definition of "law" is "a statement of an order or relation of phenomena that so far as is known is invariable and unchangeable under the given conditions".

So what if everything that happened in your life, you 100% set up for yourself because of your beliefs, laws and affirmations?? You staged it, planned it, intended and manifested it? Even when you fail, you take the same path again. Yikes!! Someone get me a new stage director!!

I never could have imagined that I’d be exactly where I am this day. Yet, looking back, I see that I’m exactly where I let myself be. I laid my path brick by brick.

Overview the areas of your life and see the life lessons in them. Do you see the laws you've laid for yourself? The relationship you’ve attracted, even the crappy ones chock full of heartaches, are mirrors into your souls. Actually most of my greatest slaps in the face have been my most valuable lessons. Each smack has brought me closer to what's true to my heart.

My heart closes when I try to enact an unholy law.

Sweeping in with the February snowflakes is Cupid and as love fills the air, I conjure memories of my past loves.

This practice involves remembering not just past boyfriends and Valentines Days spent alone but other lost loves, like volleyball, playing violin, sleeping in... What was it I loved so much in my past that I left behind? What loves did I blindly follow? Did I turn away love? What else have I left frozen in time?

It's time for the thaw. Time to clear my heart for the love I have yet to know.

The key to unlocking my heart is trust. I’m learning to trust. To trust myself and be a conscious player in the universe’s grand master plan which trusts me completely to play my part. Trusting also that everything will turn up roses and learning not to prick myself on their thorns.

Better yet, I trust that by following my heart I will manifest roses without thorns.

In love.

Adventure Awaits!

2011-01-25T15:56:00.001-05:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the day: Legendary Memories

X Marks The Spot

As the cold rages on and cabin fever sets in Einstein’s pearl “Imagination is more than Knowledge” is prancing about in my mind.

When I was younger, I’d say younger than 5, I was at a sleepover with my cousin and in the wee hours of the morning we had a brilliant idea. We needed to go out and search for monsters. They were out there all right. We let ourselves out of the house (unbeknownst to my aunt) and headed for the forest (backyard).

The next part of the tale is told second hand from my aunt who awoke to no kids in her house, totally beyond panicked, and a few hours later, saw a police car coming with my young partner and crime and I bopping away in the backseat of the police car. She was very thankful my cousin knew her home address!

Did I learn my lesson? Was that the last time I went out in search of monsters? Not by a long shot. I was always seeking out adventures and dove in head first to whatever it was I did.

Yet, it was always more fun to have fellow adventurers, whom have varied over the years to create the stories of legends. Somehow this role of fellow explorers has morphed into my children who are finding compadres all on their own.

I look into the eyes of my innocent little children and try to see the world they way they do. My son is going to save the galaxy and my girl may just be fluttering with the fairies to paint the flowers and butterflies. Actually, she'd be the fairy queen, crown, wand and all.

Sometimes they just get that gleam in their eyes and my inner child is going “yeah, I like where you are going with this kid” but then the parental inner voice of mine goes "uh, oh" and begins to question whether to go with or squash the plan. Do I tear up the treasure map, lay his toy weapons to arms and say “there are no such thing as fairies”?

Usually my inner child wins out as it is so fun to let them take the lead, follow along and try to step into their imaginary play worlds. I am amazed at just how graphic and into it they get. They’ve got this whole universe going on which is a great break from our scheduled, matter of fact, “reality based” concrete lives.

Like Eric Delabarre’s pearl in his new book “Saltwater Taffy”, “every moment is an adventure waiting to happen.”

Carpe Diem!!

Mission is Possible

2011-01-18T15:49:00.002-05:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Grace in Action

As making New Year’s resolutions seem like a distant memory, I’m brought back to the fray this Martin Luther King, Jr. day with his pearl, “Everybody can be great. Because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve... You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.”

Many have such grandiose ideas of what it means to be of service. You don’t have to have a billion dollar foundation like Bill and Melinda Gates in order to make an impact.

I was walking my son to his bus on a snowy morning and on the walk back I saw our footprints side by side in the snow down my path, driveway and the street. It was so sweet, his, while growing, are still so small yet I realized that he is indeed following in my footsteps, I lead him through this life until he makes his own imprints as a man. During these early precious stages I am showing him the path and he is holding onto my hand fully trusting my lead.

What is he taking away with him when I leave him at the bus? Hopefully, a happy, loving and super delicious heart and a charitable spirit. Our children come into this world with such open loving spirits and I believe it is never too early to engage them in philanthropy. Philanthropy is a state of mind and you can serve someone in the simplest ways.

Sometimes a simple gesture, like a smile can make a world of difference to someone else. Reminds me a bit of the animated film "Ratatouille" – where Chef Gusteau’s motto is “Anyone Can Cook” in that "Anyone Can Serve". It is both that simple yet that complex.

Many people list giving more to charity and doing more volunteer work as a resolution. This is on my list as well to do on my own and with my children. However, sometimes it’s not so easy to know where to start to find a charity and a mission that appeals to us. If you want to write a check, millions of charities will happily accept, but what if you want to do more, give time, do something hands on.

On our Holiday Spirit show, Rabbi Z suggested finding a charity where the dollar you give is the dollar that is spent on the cause, as opposed to on overhead. When we spoke with Jamie Rapfogel of Birthday Wishes, we learned we could do more, we can bring our kids and get hands on and step into a needy family’s life and make a difference by throwing a birthday party.

This week we’ll be speaking with some philanthropic moms who I’ve had the pleasure of meeting who took their tweenage children on a UJA charity mission to the Gulf Coast Region to help with the restoration effort in the ongoing aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

Their dedication to leaving lasting imprints upon their children is so inspiring.

My great grandfather was a great philanthropist and used to open his synagogue on Friday nights to serve all in need a warm dinner. He used to walk the streets of Poland with pennies in his pocket to give to children on the street.

While we have a long way to go to reach his stature, just seeing my children help each other and others, even in the simplest ways of sharing toys or giving a bite of their food leaves an imprint upon me and hopefully they will carry that with them as they step through their path in this lifetime.

As their hands leave mine, may they walk forward with grace.

To View Full Article on the Moms on a UJA Mission Click Here

TRUTH SERUM

2011-01-04T13:55:00.002-05:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Year: Awaken and Ground

"In truth there is love" by Elvira Amrhein

The dawn of a New Year brings us all to our deepest truth and has me thinking of this pearl by Brooks Atkinson, “drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.”

As we spent the last months of 2010 reviewing and clearing through our cobwebs and peering into our heart of hearts and seeing what we did right, wrong and what we can do and be in the year to come, you may have felt heavy, sad or down.

The birthing of a New year is magical as the future winds forward and becomes the present.

Think of a New Year like entering a store with a shopping cart, if you brought a shopping list, you're ahead of the game. Your cart is empty but your mind is swirling with all the things you want to fill it with. Before you head to the store you may clear out your kitchen and spot check the items you need.

Picture the supermarket aisles as representing a different part of your life, like so:

Aisle #1 – the self, Aisle #2 – the family, Aisle #3 – relationships, Aisle #4 – community, Aisle #5 - work/career, Aisle #6 - other.

As you turn through the supermarket aisles and peruse all the items, people, activities, you may want to check the expiration dates. For the fresh items, sort the myriad ways they will enhance your life. Leave all others.

I love the fresh feeling of adventure of filling an empty cart much like GK Chesterson’s pearl, "the object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It's that we should have a new soul." I'd tweak this to say that it's a new opportunity for your soul to thrive.

Before you leave, take another look at the items in your shopping cart and even the store itself and decide what makes sense for you in the New Year. Perhaps this year you will engage in conversation with the checkout person rather than just watching them swipe your articles and credit card and maybe this year you'll remember to bring your own shopping bags.

Maybe you’ll open yourself more in some areas and close down others where you are leaking energy.

I was at a wonderful year end meditation with Pauline Esposito setting the overtone for the energies of 2011. She noted that this year, truth will be revealed. Truth will pierce all of our veils and hearts so that we can fully live and manifest our truth. What a truly beautiful vision to hold for 2011.

However, at a few recent events I was asked to introduce myself and say a bit of who I am. One instance, I had 8 seconds to do this, the other a few minutes. How do I possibly nutshell myself and all my truth in 8 seconds? I'm always taken back by this even though I know to just answer the question in terms of what I do - lawyer, writer, radio show hostess, etc.

What are your buzz words?

Be honest. This year your descriptors will ring true so choose them wisely. If they are not bringing you closer to your truth or to love, place them back on the aisle or give them to the store manager to return to source!

May you and your families live your highest truth this year and love every moment!! :)

HOLIDAY SPIRIT

2010-12-21T16:44:00.002-05:00

Pearl of the Day: Unwrap the Love

NYC Christmas Tree 2009

As the Hanukkah lights have dwindled down and now the Christmas lights fills the nightscape, the magic of the holidays fills our hearts and I’m thinking of James Thurber’s pearl “There are two kinds of light - the glow that illumines, and the glare that obscures.”

No matter what holiday you celebrate, traditions are elemental to your holiday and collective family memory bank.

While I don’t celebrate Christmas, I am an advent observer. When I was younger, as the holiday nights came creeping in, we’d pile into my parent’s car and drive in search of the brightest, best and tackiest lights we could find.

We’d imagine that if we did celebrate Christmas how we’d decorate our house and which lights we’d like the best. My mom likes the single candles in the windows with white lights. My dad likes the blue lights. My sister, the wreaths. I favor more flashier, brighter purple lights with full on lawn display, a la Griswolds, and this year I’m digging the over sized ornament lights lining the path.

There was always one house that was the absolute sweetest, the Gingerbread House. While many place a Gingerbread house on their lawn, this is a real house. It literally is a house that the Gingerbread man would live and pop out of. It’s a tiny red house, with white framed doors and windows, that is usually decorated to the hills. (I also found the Easter Bunny’s house, but more on that come spring) The Gingerbread House usually is a neighborhood destination and cars from all around town would be lined up in front to catch a glimpse.

Gingerbread House

Last week, as we drove up the Gingerbread Block for the first time this holiday season, I was excitingly awaiting the lights and hyping it up to my kids. When we pulled up it was all dark, real dark, sans one lonely uncheerful sign which read “due to thieves continuing to steal our decorations, we can no longer put on our Christmas display.”

My heart sank. How can someone steal from the Gingerbread house! Damn those Grinches. My kids were like, "wow, that’s great mom."

To have to remember the Gingerbread House of Christmas pasts rather than see it live every year is a real kick in the gut event to start our holiday week. To steal from something so pure that doles out joy truly mars the spirit of the holidays.

Not seeing the display made me wonder about all the lumps of coal people feel they are getting this season but more of the items that have come to symbolize the holidays. Like all the window displays of the storefronts of Manhattan, and how we put on airs and displays up for the holidays and have evolved to place as much stuff as we can between us which has come to bury the spirit of the holidays or better, to lull you into a store and money out of your pocket.

Bringham Young has said the pearl “love the giver more than the gift”.

Every year as our family expands, so does my holiday shopping list, yet the stuff should not come before taking extra moment of precious time to make a call or hold a thought or space of love for those in my life. While receiving presents is (can be) a magical experience, stuff will never equate to love no matter how bright a child smiles at their gift.

To relish in the spirit of the holidays and share it with your family is pure love and ingrained in almost every holiday tradition.

Yet, we will be hitting NYC this Christmas Eve (day) to crowd with perfect strangers and stare in awe at the magic of the BIG Christmas Tree in Rockefeller Center (note to Grinches – BACK OFF!) topped most likely with Chinese food.

I hold the light of the holidays in my heart and so enjoy the time off with my children, sleeping in, praying for a white snowy Christmas, thinking of loved ones, peeking out the window to see if we can catch Santa on his sleigh, and heck, I’ll even bake some cookies for “Santa”.

Wishing you and your families lots of love and light this holiday season and always. Unwrap the love and let it shine!

Happy Holidays!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

2010-12-19T10:13:00.000-05:00

The Local Polar Express

2010-12-14T17:42:00.004-05:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Momma Bear

Pearl of the Day: Chug a Chug a .... ZZZZZZZZ’s

As the year winds down, and the holidays speed up, each day feels like I'm riding the local train and making all stops and the pearl "live deliberately" is on my mind.

In times of crisis, I am always reminded to be grateful for my health and what I do have. When your crisis is from your health, it takes it to a whole new level.

Last week was challenging as many people I knew had health issues surface. Please continue to hold a space of healing for Melissa’s daughter (who is doing so well!) and for anyone you know facing a health problem, having a baby or who you feel needs some light in their heart and bodies.

It’s like December is the month to dole out on family and friends and be festive and merry and January will be a time to be still and hibernate. Honoring a passing year and entering a new is much like when your children pass into another stage of their lives, you lose something and you gain something. The feeling of starting fresh with a clean slate is wonderfully refreshing yet there’s plenty you carry over from the prior year, and the year before that, and so forth.

Before entering a new year, first wrap up 2010, in whatever package it presented itself to you.

I had three channelings recently and all had similar messages, for me to just stop, breathe, set intentions and not work so hard. I think one said I was scrambled – who me? a mom, lawyer, blogger, etc., scrambled? I prefer poached.

Fall invigorates me and I went full speed ahead. Winter simply puts me to sleep. Lately, each waking moment is a tussle to polish of the holiday to do list and has been consumed deliberately with retrospective thoughts. So the timing of this message is perfect and is exactly what I resolve to do through 2011, first up is to de-scramble, un-scramble, oh man, it's gonna be a long winter!

Yoga Bear

Our guest on the Mommas Pearls radio show this week is Katja Presnal, a working mom and leader in the social media space, who has resolved to re-commit to herself and find a happier more healthier version of herself. For someone with so much on the ball I was amazed to hear how she too is a work in progress.

One of her resolutions is to get back to a healthier version of herself. This is a resolution decking the halls of many homes.

My appetite has increased with the drop in temperature with cravings for warming, comforting foods, (right on target with what holistic nutritionist Lorie Borenstein recommends) so I’ve been indulging in lots of meat, beans and sweet potatoes and well, uh, every thing in between. I’m scarfing down any kind of junk I can get my hands on and am force feeding myself salad.

Like many entering winter and just in time to make my resolutions, I literally can’t stop eating. Setting the guilt on the side along with my salad, is the comfort that putting on some extra padding will, much like a polar bear, keep me warm for the long cold months ahead.

Starting now, while you will not find me joining the polar bear club any time soon, you will find me nestling in with my cubs and riding on the local express, or just on our couch!

How's that for some holiday spirit. :)

Power of One, Plus One

2010-11-30T14:44:00.002-05:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Modern Family Redo

As people rev up for the holidays, I tend to do a rewind and am thinking of this pearl “a boulevard of broken dreams may just be a road to somewhere else.”

I’m checking off our holiday shopping list and wonder why the heck I am buying crap. I don’t remember signing up for this, but then I remember I did. I always knew I'd be a mother. My dream was filled with the pitter patter of little feet and the stomping boots of a husband. So I filled in my notes to the song “first comes love, then comes marriage, then came 2 babies in double stroller.”

What if your dream never entailed getting married but still creating a family?

Like Angelina, after 2 marriages, staunchly declaring “I don’t need a man” but still wanting to be a mom and endeavored to start a family on her own (well, I’m sure with an army of hired help) and adopted Maddox. That is, until there was Brad (whereas I implore a Johnny Depp exception, she obviously has a Brad Pitt exception), and their most famous melting pot of a family is shifting the view of the family norm.

The makeup of a modern family is shifting and women are also declaring “I don’t need a man” (but, uh, maybe, I’d take a Brad Pitt) to be a mom.

The group mentality of “Society” seems to dictate how our life “should be” and what we “should” aspire to be, to do and to have. Our society and laws favor the traditional family structure which is painted as a mommy, daddy, brother, sister, dog and a white picket fence.

This pretty picture of American family life is changing and morphing as we evolve.

More families are blending a la Brady Bunch style, or adding more bodies, or co-habitating without marrying, or living in separate abodes but still declare themselves “family”, or are swapping out a mother or a father for the tale of two dads or two moms.

Or, the other equation is we subtract a second parent altogether, whether by occurrence or by not even factoring a partner in the first place.

There is power in one, plus one.

What if having spouse or partner wasn’t part of the equation at all and you wanted a child but not a spouse or partner?

Luckily, women and men today who want to be single parents have options much obliged to advances in reproductive technologies, surrogate mothers and adoption.

Men and women can have it all. That is, they can have all that they want for themselves. Choosing to be a single parent is a courageous act of faith. It takes constant dismantling of the societal pressures for yourself and consistently on the faces of onlookers.

Although I will take license here to speak on behalf of all moms and say that every mom at least once has been tempted to kick their child’s father to the curb and just do it themselves. Some would say it would even be easier. Others welcome the mini respites they have when their significant others take a hike for a few days.

Yet knowing that it’s all YOU, all the time, your own 24 hour news cycle, is such a huge responsibility and not for the pastime moms.

There are days when I just have to turn off the mom switch and throw in the towel. And I consider myself to be a happy, engaged and dedicated mom with two ridiculously delicious kids. No matter how boundless your energy is or how magnificent your children are, you need a break. There are times when I turn to my husband and just say, "all you babe" or I'll ditch, I mean, leave the kids with my parents for a night (or two or however long they'll keep em for) so I can catch a break.

Knowing you have a teammate to divide and conquer the juggling act of parental responsibilities is part of the safety net and allure of marriage. So is having someone to blame when something doesn’t get done, falls through the cracks or someone busts their lip on a table (poor Nicky!!) and better, for when your kids display unruly attributes that they obviously didn't inherit from you.

Without a support system the whole game plane falters. Yet single parents are their support system.

Sure you can have grandparents, family, friends and hired help pitching in every now and again and all the teachers and professional advisers rolling as part of your entourage but one thing those people have in common is that they can hand the baby back to you or let them out when the bell rings and say "bye, good luck with that."

They are the 3 sides of the checks and balances parental system - judicial, legislature, executive. You can have all the support, advice and guidance in the world but at the end of the day you are making, enforcing and adjudicating your child's future with your own two hands. You are the President, Speaker of the House and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

That's pretty awesome.

While you may be a single parent, you are never alone, you will always have your baby. From the second you conceive your alone days are gone. You may be lonely and exhausted, perhaps, but the one plus one equation of parenthood is true power. Hey, married or single that’s also what a girls night out is for!

Now when technology advances to the point of being able to clone yourself, that’ll be a whole other ballgame and just may render husbands extinct (speaking from a women’s perspective of course).

Hats off to every single mom and dad out there fulfilling their dreams and paving a new roadway to parenthood.

More power to you!

MOMMAS PEARLS RADIO SHOW: This week we'll be speaking with single momma, Stacey MacGlashan, MSW, LCSW about her book "Just You and Me, Kid".

RESOURCES:

Single Parent Center

Gee, Thanks - M's Gems

2010-11-26T20:47:00.000-05:00

By: Melissa Goldberg

Family Meal

Itʼs Thanksgiving Day and I feel blessed. I have a wonderful family and food on the table. This year seemed to hold a whirl wind of events some good news and some bad news, but arenʼt they all like that? I love that Thanksgiving Day falls at the end of the year. I donʼt know if itʼs because I was born during the fall season, but there is something very warm and cozy about Autumn. Sweaters, boots, the first cup of hot chocolate for the season, brisk walks while hearing the crunching leaves or sitting by a warm fire in the fireplace.

This morning on our way to Grandma and Grandpaʼs house, we asked the kids what they were thankful for. Kids have got it right, they are thankful for both the big things and the little things in life. My son was thankful for his mommy who makes yummy food and his daddy for being awesome. He was thankful for trees, because when he breathes out air, it makes oxygen (yes, we were a bit blown away by that one, but I love it). My daughter said she was thankful for all the people in her family that she loves and who love her and she was thankful for water (clearly they discussed this whole “thankful thing” in school). My little cookie was thankful for iCarly - I love an honest kid. I am thankful for my family, my friends, my house, my health and for the simple things in life like peppermint mochas from Starbucks.

If a fellow isnʼt thankful for what heʼs got, he isnʼt likely to be thankful for what heʼs going to get ~ Frank A. Clark

Why a Feast? - The American tradition of having a Thanksgiving feast comes from the first “harvest feast” in 1621. It took place a year after the pilgrims arrived at plymouth Massachusetts. With the help of the Wampanoag Indians, the pilgrims were able to survive their first year in the new country. They were taught to hunt and cultivate the land. They saved the pilgrims from starvation and after the big harvest they had a feast to offer thanks. So, if your feast doesnʼt start with a traditional prayer of thanks be sure to look around the table and remember you are very fortunate to be sitting at a table full of delicious food.

Where did your Feast Come From? - Make sure you thank who ever put such hard work into making a wonderful feast (even if itʼs the man behind the catering counter)! I have made dinners for friends and family and the amount of love and energy and not to mention stress that goes into preparing a big meal is huge.

Be Thankful for Those Who are Sitting With You - Some folks donʼt have family nearby to spend the holiday with and if you are sitting with another family or group of friends, you are loved and received as a special guest.

Check in on Folks you Know had a Rough Year - Thanksgiving can be difficult for some if they have had a hard year. If theyʼve lost a job, been through some of lifeʼs stresses, been unhealthy or lost a family member, the holidays may be quite painful. Make sure you check in on them and let them know you are thinking about them and are here if they need anything.

Be Thankful on a Regular Basis - Thanksgiving is not the only time to recognize what we are thankful for but to express thanks to others. If someone does something special for you, even if itʼs a small thing, make sure you let them know. Say "hey, thanks!" I prefer a handwritten note card. Yes, I'm old school. There still is nothing better than a small handwritten note from a friend saying "thank you" in your pile of mail.

Count your Blessings - This is a tough one. If you practice seeing the silver lining around each dark cloud, you will feel a bit better. You can still be upset and worried over the dark cloud, but if there is any silver lining, then it could be worse. My youngest has her health problems but I count my blessing everyday. She has her mind and spirit. She can walk and talk and play and she has her siblings to protect her. She has a disability and not a disease. We are Blessed.

Wishing everyone a happy and healthy Thanksgiving Holiday and to those who are brave enough to battle Black Friday shopping... go forth and prosper.

~ Mʼs gems

Gee, Thanks

2010-11-23T15:54:00.000-05:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Humble as Pie

Gobble

Thanksgiving is a favorite holiday in my family and has me thinking of this pearl “a turkey that tries to escape its fate is missing the opportunity to relish in nourishing another.”

Around the holidays it seems everyone is scurrying, to catch the sales and cross off their shopping lists and holiday parties!! You miss half the fun of the season because you are rushing through it to get it done.

Or, you become immobile and spiral into focusing on all the things that you aren’t and haven’t achieved before the seasons turn cold and enter a New Year. We carve up our life and identify all the things we’re going to stop cold turkey.

Before busting out the electric knife on your life, stop for a moment and give thanks for all that you are. Try taking a 360 view of yourself and find the small miracles and moments of gratitude, perhaps at something or for someone that went unnoticed but may have helped open your heart. Sometimes exactly what you don't want or expect is exactly what you need.

Family

It takes a humble person to say grace and be truly thankful, particularly if doing so at a table with others.

We pass the baton around our Thanksgiving table so everyone can share what they are grateful and thankful for. A friend of mine actually uses a wooden spoon at her family table which is a powerful symbol and much needed device in that no one may interrupt the person holding the spoon!

Small Thanks

Try making saying “thank you” a regular practice in your life. Instead of waiting to say "thank you", say it in the moment. Make it an art form.

If that's too much, then start small by giving thanks to the little things in your life that make you smile. Whether the autumn foliage, DVR, Duncan Hines, the train arriving on time, the miracles lie in the small details. Everyday I thank God for my children, they are the most precious little angels and their little smiles beam oceans of love.

Work

It has been a rough year for many, if you have food on your table be grateful. If you are unemployed, be thankful for the experience you’ve had to date and take a moment to honor yourself and know that you have much to offer this world. Be thankful for the contacts that you do have and hold that space.

If you’ve been working nonstop, be thankful for a night off to be with your family, turn off the phone and savor it.

Body

Debbie Ford (who is a client) recently wrote an amazing newsletter called “A Tribute to the Fat Ass”, where she talks how a recent hospital stay left her way too skinny and wishing for a larger ass. While it seems like something only a skinny person would say, having a cushion - whether an ass or a friend - to soften the blow is something we can all be grateful for.

The holiday’s brings on the pain of casting a negative glow onto our bodies and so often restricts us from fully enjoying the season. Give thanks to your body, for taking and expelling all the crap you’ve dolled it, for all its work to hold onto your spirit day after day and if you are a parent/mom, for giving you the greatest gift of all - your children.

Your body will accept a thank you and always forgives you!!

Play

Be thankful for the laughter and the times you’ve had to play. Thank your heart and pledge to it that you will be more playful and joyous.

Food

Eat. Don’t gorge, just eat. Enjoy the flavors of the season. Be thankful for the nutrients the food of the harvest season provides our bodies to sustain us.

Thank you turkey who didn’t resist your fate and will become part of my body.

Life

Each breath is a gift. Give thanks to life.

Being in a state of thanks opens the way for grace. Accept it, someone out there is SO thankful you are part of their life!!

Make like it’s Black Friday everyday and say thank you like it’s free!!

Links:

Debbie Ford's Newsletter: A Tribute To the Fat Ass

Forgiveness - M's Gems

2010-11-19T16:06:00.000-05:00

By: Melissa Goldberg

To err is human, to forgive is divine ~ Alexander Pope

Forgiveness Dove

As I am getting older, I am definitely getting wiser. I realize there is a lot to be said about the ability to forgive.

Forgiveness comes on all levels. There are circumstances where you are hurt because of a misunderstanding and times when it is on a deeper level, where you are completely betrayed and to best describe it, youʼve been blindsided, shocked and the thought and idea of ever forgiving the person in non existent. What I have learned personally about forgiveness is that it obviously takes a lot more then a kiss and make-up response.

Time does heal all wounds and it is up to you to get back up on your feet and find a way to move forward. I used to say “I forgive, but I donʼt forget.” I thought that the two were completely different and that I could forgive, but I was dead locked against forgetting. Over the years I have come to learn, you sort of need to forget a bit because if you donʼt let yourself truly move on and forget, it will still eat away at your heart and you will still hold it against the person who hurt you. I think itʼs kind of like a defense mechanism, you want to ensure that you never feel the pain again and so you think to yourself, if I forget what that person did to me, it might happen again - kind of like hopping a fence and knocking the wind out of you from falling flat on your face. I donʼt hop fences anymore.

I have forgiven.

In my experience, life has only gotten better and better from the moment I truly let go. It wasnʼt from the moment I received an apology, it was from the moment I stopped focusing on what happened and looked at whatʼs ahead. I am entitled to “my moments” and realize with each year that passes they are far and few between days that I think about what happened.

Forgiveness can be difficult, it can be complex and it can be impossible at times but it can also be satisfying, it can be nurturing and it can open your heart up to greater love.

“Holding resentment is like eating poison and waiting for the other person to keel over.” ~ Unknown

How Do You Forget? - Forgetting takes time and patience and sometimes a little help like:
• Distraction is always helpful, it allows you to stop obsessing over the situation and use your mind to think about other things. After a while it becomes less intentional but will certainly help you get past the initial hurt.
• Call on friends and loved ones to help you.
• Use relaxation, meditation and visualization to help you feel better.
• Find a solution.

Just recently I found out a business was not going to provide a service to me that I had already signed up for. I was so upset and angry. Obviously, the business was not going to call and apologize and I found myself obsessing with trying to get them to change their mind. I finally accepted the fact that it wasnʼt happening. Once I accepted the situation and thought of a solution, I found myself less angry and upset. I am already SO DONE with those jerks...well kind of, but Iʼll get there.

No Cheap Apologies - Let the person who hurt you know what you need to heal. It may be about having the person physically be there or it could be regaining trust. You need to be open and discuss what will help you heal and honestly, itʼs not fair to the person if you donʼt help them make things right. This goes both ways, if you hurt someone and apologize, make it genuine and make it for real. Make sure you mend that relationship. I have a friend who had a lousy relationship with her mother. There is no way for her mother to make up the years she wasnʼt really there for her daughter, but the time she spends with her grandchild has helped my friend heal and move forward. Her mom is working hard to make things right, however, you canʼt change the past and itʼs only fair that her daughter move forward and enjoy the present.

Answer this, Is it worth NOT forgiving? - If the person who hurt you or made you mad and were to die tomorrow, would you feel guilt or disheartened? My momʼs good friend just lost her brother. She was very close with her brother and he became very ill and only had a short amount of time before he passed. My mom told me how her friend and her brother had a falling out and for 3 years they barely spoke. If he hadnʼt become ill, who knows how much time would go by without them talking. She accepted what happened and decided it was not worth being upset about. She was able to spend his last months with him by his side. This works both ways, if there is someone you offended and know that you may owe them an apology donʼt wait. There is a prayer said during Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) it says (and donʼt quote me) you should repent one day before you die. Basically, donʼt live your life as though the person you offended will be around forever.

Some Relationships Are More Important to Preserve than Others - Itʼs about weighing the advantages and disadvantages of keeping someone in your life. I think many times itʼs relatives that really have problems and end up fighting or hurting one another. Iʼm not sure if itʼs because you assume you can treat another person a certain way or what. If you accept the situation and the relationship for what it is you can determine how close you want to be and move forward from the past.

Forgiveness is More for Yourself - You donʼt always have the strength to forgive but is important to work to a place of acceptance. Acceptance will clear your mind and allow you to use your energy on positive thoughts. If you can accept a situation and move forward you will be true to yourself (and whoʼs more important than yourself). When you observe children in a playground, often you will see them get into an argument, they may shout at each other, maybe take a swipe at one another. After a short period of time, they are over it, what ever it was and they are happily playing together again. Life doesnʼt make it that easy to get back into the sandbox but usually when you do it feels better.

Donʼt Worry About What People Think - If you want to make it right, then do so. Donʼt worry about what other people think. Too often you hear people judging others who choose to forgive. Whether itʼs on an Oprah show and someone forgives a murderer or on People Magazine when a couple reconciles after a bad break-up. People who apologize and people who forgive are brave and valiant. It takes a lot on both sides and they should be commended for having the strength to move forward and the desire for contentment.

As we approach a time of Thankfulness, take time to find this as a time of forgiveness...

~ Mʼs Gems

Is Forgiveness A Myth?

2010-11-16T16:51:00.003-05:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Free Falling

My father’s mother used to say the pearl “family is family and you forgive your family.”

Forgiveness Mandala

While blood is thicker than water, rifts in the family unit happen and as we explored last week, Family Legacies can cast big dark spooky shadows. Family rifts usually run the deepest and swell back up around the holidays.

This week finds me holding a more reflective space and wondering why is forgiveness sometimes such a tough thing?

Grudges are often held as chips to throw down at a later stage. Like somehow you get a higher bargaining position if you’ve been wronged by someone in the past and remind them of it in a present battle.

In our heart of hearts we know we are all fallible. We are human after all. We wrong others and are wronged by others. While we may be more conscious and make a concerted effort not to suck, uh, you do or have or will. "We know not what we do," remember.

As I explore forgiveness, my instinct is to carve out exceptions. Oh, sure I can forgive her, but I have no forgiveness for this person, that situation, not that criminal and certainly not that rat bastard. Obviously, I was thrilled to learn many of the major religions also have exceptions to the forgiveness rule. Divine validation to hold onto my grudges, woohoo!

This brought me right back to law school where you learned there is an exception for every rule. My personal exception is called the Johnny Depp exception, but that’s a whole other topic. Criminal Law was so fascinating in studying both sides to a story. Every defendant had a defense, perhaps a story or psychological pattern which led to their debachery. I’d be the worst juror on a murder case as I'd want to find the reasonable doubt and see the good in everyone.

Yet, the cases I read were external and hadn’t impacted me. If you are of the Buddha mindset, your thoughts and actions of others will only hold the higher space of love and of God and will never settle into a place that needs forgiveness.

Other mortals, like moi, have been impacted by persons or events which take a deep root in our soul's structure. Once you realize that those negative feelings are stirring you can choose to let them into to the door of your soul, give them safe harbor or do some serious work to release them.

Most of us have corners in our hearts which can’t let go, will not let go. Yet forgiveness frees your heart. To start on the path of forgiveness is to commit to a process. Sometimes you can forgive but reconciliation is a whole other story.

Relatively recently I spoke with an old boyfriend and wounds from those days were resurfacing as memories and things that impacted me. I brought them ALL up (or at least the ones I recalled, could probably dish out some more) and it felt great to finally tell him these things I've held onto for over a decade. He must not have liked it so much, I mean, I was graceful but certainly not subtle about it, but I was surprised at how open he was to hearing me out and even more surprised at how easy it was for me to forgive him and let go.

In forgiveness we open our wounds, but like Melissa says, not all wounds will gracefully turn to scars. Some wounds seemingly run too deep. Yet to fully forgive we must re-gash those wounds and somewhere find the gift, the blessing, the lesson, then acknowledge it and let it heal, scar tissue and all.

Does one have to ask for forgiveness in order to receive it? Can’t it be a singular act? Or must it be mutual? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I found that in forgiveness you begin to find acceptance, healing, compassion and forgiveness rather than negative feelings of resentment, loathing and disgust.

Another old boyfriend of mine used to say “don’t talk to me like I was your mother.” I used to pause every time he said this (which was frequently!) as I realized we often take liberty in how we speak to those we love.

Many parents experience lower thresholds of tolerance for their children and vice versa. They’ll speak to their children in tones that they wouldn’t dare take with their friends or colleagues. The people we should treat with the most respect we often treat with the least. Our family are the first testing ground of the virtues of trust, love, respect, honesty, and being vulnerability. When any of these are thwarted our heart begins to close and remains closed in our interactions with others.

When we do find ourselves in a forgiving mood, boundaries can remain intact or be set. Boundaries are a very good thing and may just be the shield you need with a family member, loved one, colleague or other person who you tend to slip into a "sorry state" with.

As we move towards Thanksgiving, I feel it is important to first forgive in order to then be truly open to a state of grace and thankfulness. The hardest person to forgive is often yourself. Yet like one of my Facebook friends said, “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.” For in forgiveness lies true freedom.

I am all for free falling in love, and plan on taking my family with me!

Resources:
The Course Of Miracles: Marianne Williamson - Practically 5 people in the past few months have recommended this book which is now a free online course as well for coming to forgiveness and to truly living in the present.
Mayo Clinic: "Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges & Bitterness" by Dr. Katherine Piderman

Family Legacies - M's Gems

2010-11-12T17:26:00.000-05:00

A New Dynasty

By: Melissa Goldberg

Golden Rainbow

How has your family influenced you in your life? Wow. Sounds like a college entrance application essay question. For some people they will spend a lifetime trying to escape their legacy and then for others they will walk in their parents footsteps. Either way there is no doubt about it, our families play a huge part on who we are and who we will become.

When you look up the word legacy in the dictionary, the definition is not very descriptive. Simply, “something handed down or received from an ancestor or predecessor. “

On this weeks radio show we chatted with Cynthia's client and friend, Stephen Simon, who is a film producer and executive for over thirty-five years. He is the co-founder of the Spiritual Cinema Circle and an Author. If anyone has a story to tell it is Stephen. Stephen grew up in the late forties and fiftyʼs inside a famous Hollywood family. His father was Sylvan Simon, a famous film producer and was often in the backyard flipping burgers with his close friends Red Skeleton, Abbot and Costello and Frank Sinatra.

Stephen recently published a new book, "Bringing Back the Old Hollywood", sharing many of his stories about growing up in a family of Hollywood royalty. He had everything in his home, chefs, housekeepers and butlers. Talk about a child of privilege. What was difficult for Stephen, was his years trying to escape his legacy and become an individual away from his family. It was then he learned that his childhood lifestyle was not an entitlement and that it was his parents lifestyle and not his. Stephen spoke about a interview Will Smith had on Oprah a few years ago. When Oprah asked about his son and his life, Will shared a conversation he had with his Jayden. Jayden asked Will if they were rich and Will answered “Mom and Dad are rich, youʼre broke”. This hit home for Stephen, since he was not given that simple and smart advice by his parents. Instead he figured all this out the hard way, with his up and downs, successes and failures over the years.

On the other hand, Stephen shared his passion for “old Hollywood” and wants to restore it and keep it alive. In his new book, Stephen Simon talks about his love and passion of “old Hollywood”. His work over the years is a product of his family legacy and a great example about how important it is to put your family legacy down on paper and preserve it.

Here are a couple of Gemʼs in keeping your families legacy alive.

Create a Family Cookbook - I only wish Iʼd learned a little more about my Grandmotherʼs recipes. I believe my Aunt may have a lot of them and my next project will be to get those recipes written down for myself or better yet for my children. Along with writing down the recipes, include the person whose recipe it is, the history of the recipe and what special occasions it was made. Donʼt forget photos! There are several web sites to help you gather the information and have a book published. Check out www.heritagecookbook.com for ideas on making a family cookbook.

Make a Family Scrapbook - Stephen Simonʼs book Bringing Back the Old Hollywood is in itself a scrapbook about is family life growing up and his family legacy. It is also a collection of stories and memories of the old Hollywood life, inside and outside the classic films from his childhood. Taking the time to gather memories is a wonderful gift for yourself and for your children. There are several resources to help get you started. One way to start is to gather photos, mementos and newspaper clippings. You can interview older relatives and make sure to get all the facts written down on paper, on audio or video. Some great questions to ask are: How did your family come to live here? What was the house you grew up in like? How many bedrooms, bathrooms? What kind of games did you play growing up? Did you have chores? What were they and which was your least favorite? There are websites and resources to help put all this information together. Check out www.mycraftbook.com or www.marthastewart.com.

Take a Trip Down Memory Lane - Not too long ago, my sister took her boyfriend on a small adventure to Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn, NY. They went to the house we grew up in. The owners happened to be outside and my sister approached them to introduce herself and politely explain why she was gawking at the house. The owners were the same family that bought the house from our parents and remembered my sister. They insisted she come in and see the house and stay for lunch. I love that my sister was able to share a piece of her history with her significant other and was able to enjoy an afternoon down memory lane.

Organize Your Photos - I know I have a whole bunch of photos sitting in boxes, unorganized and waiting to be put into a photo albums. These projects are tough to find time to do, but it is so important to make sure you organize and keep these photos intact. When I look at photos now from my childhood I am amazed at how life was so different 30 years ago. I love showing these photos to my children. Just last week I shared a photo of myself as a child and people were amazed at my daughterʼs resemblance. Itʼs part of her legacy and Iʼm glad I will be able to share the photos and stories with her when she gets older.

Remember the Apple Doesnʼt Fall Far from the Tree - Things that may have driven you crazy growing up can actually come through as some of your biggest and best qualities. Right now Iʼm going through the realization when Iʼm talking to my kids I sound exactly like my mom... Mirror Mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all (which is a good thing).

I am a product of my family legacy and I am thankful. I cherish the gift of my motherʼs perseverance and strength and my fatherʼs courage and shrewdness. My love of baseball comes from my grandfather David and my love of cooking probably comes from my Aunt Diane. This week Stephen inspired me to be more dedicated in getting these memories down on paper and making sure to preserve them...I think this is how Mommas Pearls came to be...writing down the pearls of wisdom we have learned from our family legacy and passing them down.

Enjoy!

FAMILY LEGACIES - Mommas Pearls

2010-11-09T17:38:00.003-05:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: A New Dynasty

Venetian Family Crest

Thinking about family legacies led me to this Indian pearl “all the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today.”

My giant sunflowers which bloomed beautifully to fill a rather empty but sun-filled space in our front yard are ending their cycle. I cut off their heads (must have manned a guillotine in a past life) to preserve the seeds and was curious to see where the sunflower seeds were stashed, turns out, it’s not that mysterious. When the sunflower is good and ready it will happily peel apart and give you its many seeds to plant next summer to continue the cycle.

Families are like sunflowers, when you are ready and have children, you tend to them (hopefully) to many happy returns. They are the seeds to your family’s future.

Father’s Footsteps

It’s natural to want to create a child in your own image, I mean, that’s what God did.

You rear your child based on who you are, where you came from and what you know. My husband and I take dibs on the character traits we see in our children – oh that’s me, he’s mine to finger pointing “yours” and “that’s all you!!”

With the seeds planted, your children will grow into their future. This may be strikingly similar or vastly different from your perhaps jaded crystal ball. Fate has veto power.

Think of the film, “Forrest Gump”, particularly, Lieutenant Dan. Every single one of his forefathers has fought and died in a war so it seemed he too would follow and die a hero in the battlefield. It was to be his legacy. Enter Forrest Gump, the idiot who “saved” his life and carried him off to an unexpected journey as a disabled war veteran turned king of the Shrimping world.

The Road Less Traveled

Do you go into the family business or strike out on your own?

Many children wrestle with this decision. Their loyalty questioned. Dreams of independence squashed. The foreign notion of there existing an alternate reality may be either a scary or welcome haven.

Children often “settle” into their family's business. Some with a sense of entitlement. Why work so hard when you know there's a corner office with your name on it and a plush trust fund? Others use this as fuel to do things better, surpass their parents, prove their worth and make it theirs.

I hail from a long line of distributors, one the one side are soft drink distributors and on the other were meat distributors (butcher’s meat) so it’s only natural that I carry on the distribution aspect, Mommas Pearls style of course, I distribute films and content. Different but similar.

The Family Shadow

Every family has a shadow, some loom large and others require squinting. Are you comfortable standing in your family’s shadow? Is it a shadow or a light?

When you finally see that your family is a small fish in a crazy gigantic pond, you begin to wonder what else is in my blood? Your children will wonder the same thing. That's probably why parents want the next generation to have and be more.

If you are in Don Corleone’s family, the only way to do business is with your family. Which is why Don’s confession to his son Michael that he never wanted this life for him is so perplexing, he envisioned his son as the “one to hold the string….. Senator Corleone” (The Godfather). Not even Doc Brown can find this possible future.

There are days when I see a 3 generation mom and pop store or my friends who work with their families and wonder what that would be like. My family are my soul partners and always have my back but could I really picture answering to my father on a work related issue. Lord no!!

In a family business, you sink or swim together. If your family business goes under, the whole family goes with it.

My family's shadow passes between the Holocaust, Depression and Beverages. Thanks for the hand me down and yes, I'll take a drink!

What’s in a Name?

Your bloodline is encoded with the legacies of your ancestors, which the generations carry forward.

Back in old Europe and many caste systems, your family name defined who you were and exactly where you stayed. Your name was synonymous to your title. Hi, I'm the son of Lord Baron. The next generation would rise higher or fall down the ranks. Your family’s wealth was tied to your land and passed to the male heirs. So much vested in a name.

A new kind of dynamic is happening now as women are keeping their maiden names. Yet, traditionally, without a “male heir” a family name will not continue. Many father’s desperately want a son for this reason alone, to carry on the family name.

I was at a bris and the Mohel said to the newborn son “you are to carry on the family name, but also to make a name for yourself.”

Many want to take a major ax to their family tree. Hollywood children often run away screaming or drown in their family’s name. A great tale of witnessing this and grappling with your family shadow is in my longtime client, friend and mentor Stephen Simon’s book “Bringing Back the Old Hollywood”. He relished in his parents Hollywood hobnob shadow but was so removed from reality that is, until, reality smacked him in the face (a few times).

A Greater Dynasty

The future always holds promise.

From the outside the great Family Dynasty's heiresses - Kennedy's, Rockefellers, Trumps, Mannings, Boones, Jacksons, Coppolas, Hudsons, Sheens, Kardashians, Carringtons... may seem to have it made, I mean, I used to wish I was born into the McDonald’s family, but the larger the shadow the greater the pressure to measure up.

When you pick off the fruits of your parents tree is it really your fruit to take? Will Smith answered his son’s question of “dad, are we rich?”, with “Mom and dad are rich, you’re broke.”

The fruits you hand down the generational line shall either ripen or die off, be sour or sweet, be cultivated or left on the vine, or be encoded into your family crest. With these family trials your coat of arms gains its shapes, symbols, motto, in other words, it's legacy.

Yet a new dynasty forever remains in the seeds of tomorrow. :)

Birthday Girls - M's Gems

2010-11-05T14:10:00.001-04:00

By: Melissa Goldberg

Young Melissa

My birthday is around the corner and this year I have spent more time thinking about this occasion than any other year. Each year, I enjoy the time when my birthday rolls around, but I donʼt think I have ever really taken the time to make it a special day for myself. I am thankful that over the years my family and friends have worked hard to celebrate my birthday. The one year I thought about celebrating with a party, my wonderful husband had already planned a surprise gathering and so not to ruin the surprise, he helped me plan a party for myself. I had back to back celebrations for my 30th. It was a full weekend of birthday celebration and I felt thankful that I had so many wonderful people in my life to celebrate my day.

The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate. ~ Oprah

This year my best friend Cynthia gave me a special gift. I was given an astrology reading by Cathy Pagano on our radio show. Cathy is a wisdom coach and Jungian psychotherapist who works with Astrology to help clients blueprint their lives and move forward. Cynthia took something that inspires her and offered me to experience it.

In past years I have loved to celebrate the day but never the occasion.

Cynthia and I are very different, yet we are similar in many ways. The differences are complementary to our friendship and because we embrace our differences our friendship has grown copiously. Her ideas and applications to life have not rubbed off on me completely but they have allowed me to embrace and experiment in my spiritual side. It was a fun experience and I discovered that a little spirituality is not a bad thing, perhaps divine...

When your special day arrives, I encourage you to celebrate your birthday with cake, candles and love and invite you to add some spirituality and reflection on such a distinct and magnificent occasion.

Reflection - Look into the mirror on your birthday, but not to look for new wrinkles and lines. Okay you can look for the wrinkles, but then take a moment to look deeper and reflect on what the year has brought you. How have you grown and matured? How have you changed and what would you like to do different in the next year? Embrace your past, your present and your future. This year I learned that I am rich in love and no matter what happens in the future I have tremendous strength and support to handle anything.

No Matter What Your Age, You Can Be a Kid At Heart - There is nothing wrong with celebrating your special day the way a kid celebrates. If you feel like having a party, throw a party! If you feel like schmudging your name in frosting on your cake, go for it!

Leave the Laundry Alone - We are given the day off from work to honor many historical birthdayʼs - Martin Luther King, Jr., George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, your birthday is your day and you should honor it, so leave the laundry to be done another day.

A Birthday Tradition for You and Your Family - Iʼm a huge fan of tradition and family traditions are important to the family interconnection. Iʼm a huge fan of celebrating your birthday the same way you did as a kid growing up. In my family, you get to choose the birthday meal and the cake you desire since it is your day. Many cultures have birthday traditions all over the world. Have you ever received birthday punches? Those started in Europe and they are referred to as birthday bumps as a way to ward off evil spirits and bring good luck.

A Birthday Ritual - I donʼt have one and decided this year I want one. I haven't figured out what it will be from this year on, but I have a week to think about it. I asked some folks if they had a ritual and I was surprised to learn that many people do. Some people go to a special place or visit someone they love. A lot of people take the day off from work or allow their kids to stay home from school. Iʼm thinking something on the lines of a big hot-fudge sundae kind of ritual.

Know What Happened on Your Birthday - If there is one day of the year that amazing things have happened, itʼs on your birthday. You were born, and thatʼs pretty amazing. I love when I find someone who shares the same birthday as me. On my birthday, Rod Carew won an MVP award in 1977 and touch tone telephone was introduced in 1963. I also share a birthday with Dwight Gooden and Lisa Bonet. If your daring and open to it, go get an astrological reading and learn your blueprint to life. Learn where the stars and planets were aligned when you born and where they are today.

Donʼt forget to make a wish before you blow out your candles - Close your eyes, take a moment to make a special wish and I truly hope it comes true!

~ M's Gems

BIRTHDAY GIRLS

2010-11-02T10:49:00.000-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: An Eternal Wish

Halloween is the kickoff party for mine and Melissa’s birthday and has me thinking of Ralph Waldo Emerson’s pearl, "the years teach much which the days never knew."

Baby Cynthia

Wisdom seeps in with age.

The numbers keep adding up yet the only time(s) I lied about my age was when I was underage and usurped Sharon’s ID so I can go out to bars. Age is a badge of honor and so many of us are on a race to turn back the clock that we miss the true beauty of where we are and what lies ahead.

There’s something magical about the 365 cycle of your birthday year. While the 365^th day always either comes too fast or not fast enough, ready or not, you’re a year older and I say, embrace it with an open heart.

My friend Macha quickly realized that I am really, really, really into my birthday --- damn right I am!! It’s the best and most important day of everyone’s, I mean, my life. It’s the day I was gifted to this world, my parent’s amazingly awesome one out of two best gifts to this world.

Here are my favorite birthday rituals to help you begin to love your birthday.

Mark every birthday with 3 candles to honor the past, present and future of the birthday boy/girl’s self.

YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT - SELF

Start with an annual confession and life review as you enter your birthday.

In the weeks leading up to your birthday, embark on a major soul search and face the most hidden places of your heart, soul and mind. It’s as honest and as raw as you can be, like the moments before your birth into this world where you are just pure spirit.

First tune into how you feel and ask - am I connected with my true self or am I layered in anxiety or any other icky feelings? Then explore the blocks.

The other night I was meditating and had to set aside the “daily grind” thoughts and feelings for my true self to emerge. It was like Peter Pan rediscovering his shadow. Oh, there you are, Cynthia, where you been girl??? Stay with me.

Then ask yourself the questions:

*Am I where I thought I’d be?

What are my hearts truest desires for the year to come?

Am I happy with myself and the people in my life?

What shifts do I need to undertake?

Let the spiritual cleanse commence.

While some of these questions may lead you to dark places of your soul, it’s so important to cleanse and shine a light onto them. Your birthday is a time when you have that extra light of help from your loved ones and your angels. I believe it’s why it’s called a birthday wish.

As a mom, the family review cycles as well, for it’s not just enough to think of myself anymore, I take stock of my familial relationships - with my daughter, my son, them to eachother, my husband, my son and husband, my husband and my daughter, all of us, with my parents, my sister, and so forth.

Take this trip so that on your birthday you can be re-born again, refreshed, aware and ready for the year to come!

YOUR PAST SELF

What is the future without your past?

Especially since they say your present is a result of your past thoughts, decisions and intentions.

To heal your past self, here’s a ritual. First, honor the steps you did take in the past year.

Ask yourself:

What were the “right” steps?

What were your missteps?

Where did they both lead you?

What lessons did you learn?

How did you grow?

Are you still pounding your head against the wall??

Then leave it in the past.

Turning 35 last year was a biggy, I mean it took me into a whole other age bracket!!

It seems silly almost, but I spiral into this thought process: I look back at my ups and downs and done and accomplished a lot but get stuck on those irons I totally forgot were in the fire. An interesting high wire act of oh my god, I’ve yet to do this, like have 5 Mommas Pearls books published by now, I didn’t get to do that yet, haven't traveled to that place, I thought for sure I’d have that by now or look this way or know how to dress myself without looking like I got stuck in a tornado in the morning....

Ugh, whatever!!! That downward spiral was so last year!

There are plenty of things that I am all to happy to leave behind with my 35 year old self. Happy birthday past Cynthia!! C YA!

YOUR FUTURE INCARNATION

This year I’m okay with taking my foot into the 36 year old threshold. In fact, I am leaping forward in a big potato sack race!!

As you set your wish and intent for your new year circle back to this question.

In the grand scheme of things what’s really most important to me?

Whatever the answer, that's what you hold in your heart and follow.

For me, the answer is always the same: my family, friends, work, this is what propels me forward into each year with a big fat goofy birthday smile on my face.

What I am most proud of are my children and the journey of Mommas Pearls. Both have led me to deeper places that I always knew were there but haven’t let surface as my past latent self.

So go forth and hold this pearl from Douglas MacArthur in your heart "you are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt, as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your despair."

CELEBRATE

It’s not an ego thing, it’s a love thing.

Your birthday is a time you CAN summon those whom you love and wish to spend time with. They WILL come, whether out of feeling obligated or overjoyed to see you.

I do not get to see or speak to my friends as much as I think of them and on this one day, even when it seems that it’s just route now to say "happy birthday" on your friends Facebook page, there is something about getting that collective attention shined upon you, which you do not get every day.

So yes, my friends, I will be summoning you on my birthday and throughout my 36^th year!! :)

COLLECTIVE BLESSING

I saved the best part about my birthday for last, my birthday is also ALL SOULS DAY and the first celebration of the DAY OF THE DEAD. It’s a collective day to celebrate, honor, respect and acknowledge each other and bless all the souls in this world and on the other side.

So on my birthday, which is your day too, honor that light in which we all shine. Just save me some cake. :)

Happy birthday to me!! Happy Birthday to you!! Happy Birthday dear Melissa!!!

Obviously, our birthday party is just beginning!! We’ll be taking this party on air on the Mommas Pearls radio show….

RESOURCES:

- My 36 years of infinitely timeless wisdom

-* I love this question which is central to the monthly newsletter for the indie film "LOST IN SUNSHINE" (I'm an executive producer)

Masquerade Ball - M's Gems

2010-10-29T21:20:00.001-04:00

By: Melissa Goldberg

Photo Source

Halloween was brought to North America by immigrants from Europe who would celebrate the harvest around a bonfire, share ghost stories, sing, dance and tell fortunes. I thought it was a day to see how many Snickers bars I could round up by sundown. Halloween is also the second largest commercially successful holiday behind Christmas. Each year I forget how crazy it gets until I head into a party supply store the day before the holiday and see the Chaos.

I enjoy Halloween much more as a parent compared to when I was a kid growing up. Watching my children enjoy the fun has brought a completely new experience for me. The element of surprise makes this holiday so much fun and unpredicable.

I get excited during the days before Halloween, when preparing my kids costumes and buying the candy. I love the orange and black colors that seem to be everywhere and the different decorations that are displayed. I also think it’s such a wonderful time of the year because we know winter is coming and we take time to enjoy each day we get to be outside before it’s too cold to be outside to play.

The only thing which I have yet to invest in, is one of those oversized sweaters donning some creative Halloween scenes...not sure if I can pull that one off.

Some Tricks...
Tell a Scary Story - Kids love to sit and listen to scary stories. The trick to keep them listening is to use things they know, like using your street name or familiar places they can relate too. Once you get into the story, let the kids add some details. In our house, the scary stories end up taking a turn to being plain old silly stories. To make it scarier, use a flashlight and make sound effects, like nails tapping.

Play a Scary Joke - Fake spiders are a fun way to play a joke without being too scary. You can always use Grandma and Grandpa to play a joke on or have one parent organize the prank and then let the other parent “walk into the trap.”

Jokes that the little ones will roll over laughing from -
• What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch
• Why didnʼt the skeleton dance at the party?   He had no BODY to dance with
• What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?   A toasty ghosty
• What does a ghost like on his ice cream sundae? Whipped Scream
• Why didnʼt the skeleton cross the road?   He had no GUTS

Some Treats...
Things to Do Besides Trick or Treating - Trick or treating is one of those things the kids can do for hours, but there are so many other wonderful activities that are fit for this time of year. My kids just asked if we could rake all the leaves in the yard into a big pile so that they jump in and play in them. I personally love the leaves as a backdrop to great photos. Some other ideas are: make a scarecrow, paper towel ghosts or carve a pumpkin. You can make a scary Jack oʼ Lantern or a pretty Disney Princess. Craft stores sell great stencils and carving tools to help. This year we are going to make caramel apples with pretzels and popcorn balls.

Look For a Local Parade - For those who have been to the annual NYC Village Halloween Parade it is an experience like none before. Many areas host their own parades, some that you stand on the side lines and watch and others your kids can be part of and march in. As much as kids love to dress up, they enjoy seeing others in costumes as well.

Throw a Party - No need to go fancy. Put out a couple of treats and maybe some tricks and invite folks over to show off their costumes. If your looking to have games you can organize a scavenger hunt or play pin the wart on the witches nose. If youʼre more into letting the kids run around screaming, put out a bunch of yummy (or mummy) treats. Our friends are doing a decorate your own cupcake party. Stop by before you go trick or treating and decorate a scary cupcake. Best part of a Halloween party is you get to be a kid too.

Healthy Treats to Give Out - Okay, Iʼm not saying you should give out Apples or Raisins, because then youʼll be left with the threat of eggs being thrown at your door. When you think about healthy, it can still be chocolate, but supermarkets sell many new individually wrapped treats that are healthier options such as organic or free trade lollipops or chocolate. You can head to a wholesale store and stock up on granola bars or cheese and cracker packages. We are giving out super bouncy eye balls and fake vampire teeth along with M&M 100 calorie packs. Our giant bowl looks super cool for presentation.

Donʼt forget candy corn, itʼs a vegetable... kidding, I just want to see if your still paying attention -
trick or treat!

A Scary Family Movie - Since this year we have the whole weekend to celebrate, perhaps a fun evening activity for just the family or with a group of friends is to watch a scary movie. For those with little ones here are a couple of not too scary options...
• The Goosebumps Series
• The Nightmare Before Christmas
• Walt Disneyʼs The Haunted Mansion - Eddie Murphy is in that one.
• Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin - No need to search far for that, itʼs always on television on Halloween.

Donʼt forget the popcorn! We made popcorn balls with popcorn, melted marshmallow and orange and brown M&Mʼs all rolled up into a hand sized treat.

Wishing everyone a Happy Halloween! We’ll post some pics next week to show you how we celebrated!

~ M’s Gems

MASQUERADE BALL

2010-10-26T15:17:00.000-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Novelty No More

Throughout our lives we wear many guises, masks, hats, armor if you will and as Colette’s pearl says “there is nothing that gives more assurance than a mask”. So are we really hiding, playing or is there a function to this rather peculiar form?

I love Halloween because it’s the only day of the year (sans Purim) where you can fully morph into another character and the more you do, the better it is. It’s a global masquerade ball. But who invented it and what were they on???

Many cultures recognized some form of Harvest festival and all seem to have a common thread of food festivities and honoring the dead. “The ancient Celts believed that the border between this world and the ‘otherworld’ became thin on Samhain (their version of All Hallows Eve), allowing spirits (both harmless and harmful) to pass through. The family's ancestors were honored and invited home while harmful spirits were warded off.’ (Wikipedia)

This is making some sense of a dream I had the other night make sense. I was in my grandmother’s kitchen sitting down having tea and fruit cake with her and her girlfriends who have all passed over. So I will definitely be saying a prayer and lighting a candle for my ancestors this all Hallows Eve and may be passing out nuts, cake and fruit!

With honoring your deceased loved ones spirits and the lighter being inevitably begs the question – what about the other, darker more evil spirits? (cue spooky music) Well, this is what the costumes and masks are for. It is believed that to “disguise oneself as a harmful spirit by wearing a mask or costume will help you avoid harm.” (love Wikipedia)The creepier the better!

I never so much cared for the dark costumes, I mean, I dressed up as God one year. Nor will you find me in a Sex on Wheels costume. This year I am embracing my inner Wicked Witch of the West for my sister’s mega Halloween ‘Wizard of Oz” party, and we’ll see which witch spirit comes through the witch “Wicked” or the traditional Oz version. Although, I’m toying with the idea of being the Wicked Witch of the East that got crushed by Dorothy’s house…

I kind of remember a thought process like “I get free candy” when I first truly discovered trick or treating. I mean it was the only time of year where I could eat tons of Sugar Daddy’s!! I just had to be home before dark because that’s when the ‘big bad kids’ went out with shaving cream and eggs and it wasn’t safe. I didn’t so much care as long as enough candy passed my mom’s inspection.

The tradition of trick or treating may derive from the practice of “souling” where the poor went house to house singing and saying prayers for the dead in exchange for “soul cake”. In that case, I best collect some dark chocolate for my grandmother and starbursts for my grandpa this year!

Turnips may be the original stand ins for today’s pumpkins and were carved and lit with candles to commemorate the souls in purgatory and yes, to ward off evil spirits.

While the undead may rise from the grave on Halloween there’s nothing like seeing thousands of people in full costume regalia raiding the streets of New York’s West Village. Halloween in NYC is unlike anything else. Freaky? Definitely. Fun? Beyond. Whether you watch the annual parade on NY 1 or just people watch on the street, I’d wager that it’s better than New Year’s Eve!

One of my favorite parties of all time was my sister and I’s combined Halloween birthday party. Guests were ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED to be in costume, and they were. The costumes were so hilarious, creative and fun. My grandparents were Indians and my grandpa had a plastic container which he used as a tom tom drum. My law school friend and boyfriend came as Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson, wardrobe malfunction and all! Melissa and her hubby were fully Kissed out and it took everyone a solid half an hour to recognize them under their makeup. (Melissa is still salty she didn’t win a best costume prize.) My friends still talk about that party and I can’t wait until my 40th, I’m thinking full scale Victorian Masquerade Ball ala European Court style.

While my numbers keep piling on, my love for Halloween, All Hallows Eve and the magical days that follow – All Saints Day (Nov. 1) and All Souls Day (Nov. 2 – aka Day of the Dead, aka ‘my birthday’ - but more on that next week) never dies.

Now, I love sharing it with my children and seeing their spirit come alive. We’ve been busy staging the house with decorations and they both knew exactly what costumes they wanted for this year. My daughter wanted the one princess outfit I didn’t have for her (of course), I guess to ward off those evil sea creatures, and my son wanted, surprise, surprise, a Star Wars costume, so he can totally take on the Emperor. After last year it took my son a week or so to realize that trick or treating wasn’t a daily routine, but it’s all good.

As Halloween is not just a novelty holiday, this year take note of who is dressing up and just what spirits they seem to be attracting or repelling.

BEWARE!!!

Copyright 2010 Cynthia Litman d/b/a Tigris Imprints. All rights reserved.

Party Plans - M's GEMS

2010-10-22T20:53:00.001-04:00

By: Melissa Goldberg

“Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we are here, we should dance” ~ Proverb.

I couldnʼt agree more. We are always running around, juggling our busy lives. Everyone has their challenges, their ups and downs. With all that is going on here in my world I started talking about having a get together in early December for Hannukah. My darling husband expressed how maybe a party is a bit much to add to our plate. He is definitely right in this case, but he knows how wonderful it is to have everyone together. With some cajolery, he agreed that it would enjoyable to have our family over, but Iʼm not allowed to do anything but delegate.

Last week I threw a lovely dinner party. It was not perfect in decor, but the food was good, the company was great and the clean up was manageable. I have always enjoyed having friends and family over no matter what the occasion - holidays, birthdays or for a sports event on Television. Iʼm not one to make things fancy. My bluprint for a perfect dinner party has always been to serve yummy food and make my guests feel at home.

This week we spoke with Dawn Sandameno and Elizabeth Mascali from the successful Partybluprint blog. These women have developed the perfect bluprint for hosting a perfect party. Their newly published book "Plan To Party", is available in stores and I was honored to be able to take a sneak peak at what I think is not only a very informative and helpful book, but a visually stunning coffee table like book filled with inspiring photos. I truly enjoyed chatting with these women and although I pride myself as a seasoned host, I did pick up some great gems during this weeks radio show.

Give a Good Thought About Time and Date - The most important gem for having a successful and fun party is to make sure the date and time work best for you. The host sets the tone and if the date and time are not good you, it will not be stress free party. If December is very busy and hectic, then donʼt throw a holiday party. Wait until after the New Year and call it a “one more for the road” holiday party.

One idea is to have a breakfast get together instead of a lunch or dinner get together. Over the last couple of years, I find coordinating a good family get together can be difficult when both families have children of all ages. Some nap early, my kids napped later and so I started inviting people over for a breakfast get together. The menu ideas are endless but, I usually serve bagels with all the fixings and homemade Belgium waffles with maple syrup and fresh fruit to put on top. We put up a large pot of coffee or a batch of mimosas and hang out until noon. This time slot works well, the kids play great and the parents get to relax and hang out. The best part is my family still has a whole day left to do errands or some activity after our guests leave.

Donʼt Worry About the People Who Cannot Be There, Enjoy the People Who are There - It is important for the host to enjoy themselves as much as their guests. Make sure you spend time with your guests and immerse your self in the party. Having a good plan before the event allows you to follow a schedule and time line of what needs to be done so that by the time the door bell rings with guests, you have taken the time to get dressed and be ready to socialize. If someone cannot make it to the special day, donʼt worry about it and look forward to the folks who are coming!

Start Small, Go Slow - If you have never hosted a home party, start small. Perhaps having a twenty person sit down dinner is not a good idea for the first time. A small dinner party usually ranges between 2-4 guests. If you want to have more people over feel free to make it a pot luck this way you are not overwhelmed with too much preparation. Another way to entertain on an easier note is to do just cocktails and wine with some cheese and fruit platters or some heat and serve appetizers from your supermarket.

When People Ask What To Bring...Tell Them What To Bring - Guests are happy and honored to be part of your party. If your guests ask you what can they to bring, itʼs because A) They want to bring something you would like, and B) They donʼt know what to bring. Guests are happy to contribute and if you offer suggestions, you will enjoy serving their host gift, as opposed to leaving the Jello mold with suspended canned fruit cocktail in the fridge. (Not that there is anything wrong with a Jello mold dessert)

Put MISTAKE or FORGOT on your party plan check list - Cynthia and I were talking about this weeks Radio show and how both our moms have earned the reputation of doing a great dinner party but something always gets forgotten or something goes wrong. In our family my mom always leaves something in the microwave and usually we find it during clean up. In Cynthia's it's usually the intermezzo that goes MIA.

I remember my wedding day. This was an event I had spent fifteen months planning. I had made sure to cover every detail between the catering hall and the hotel that our out of town guests stayed at. I was on the party bus with friends and family and just before we headed over the bridge to the wedding when I realized I left my bridal bouquet on the hotel lobby front desk counter. At first I was panicked and upset, but after a couple of minutes of contemplation, I called the hotel. I spoke with the manager and they called a taxi to pick up my flowers to bring them to the hall. I stood up with a big smile and said “I knew something had to go wrong, and it did. So I can check that off my to do list and go get married!”

Anything is Game - generations ago there was only one way to entertain, but now anything works. If you love chocolate better then cheese then have your cocktail party after dinner and have guests dine on chocolates and dessert wines. I am a big fan of buffet style. Itʼs a lot more work to set a huge beautiful table and with young children around, using my fine china is a big stress so I donʼt go there. I put utensils in a basket and a stack of plates on the side and then spread out all the fixings across a big table. My guests can fill their plates and then find a seat. Itʼs very informal, but I prefer that casual ambiance.

Anything will work as long as you have a plan.

Elizabeth Mascali said it best. “Well-hosted parties give people a chance to slow down, reconnect, and create memories that add grace, beauty, and humor to our lives. A good party never ends. The memories last a lifetime—and longer.”

PARTY PLANS

2010-10-19T13:57:00.001-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Wishful Bliss

Photo Found Here

As we are approaching my favorite holiday, Halloween, I am planning for my family’s perfect costumes to go to my niece’s 1^st mega costume party, I am reminded of Nancie J. Carmody’s pearl “I am thankful for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.”

I’m pretty sure my first sentence ever uttered was “mom, where’s the party at??” I love parties but actually love hosting them more. Give me the slightest reason and I’ll whip up a cake and throw a party. My obsession lies in gathering my favorite people, spoiling them, celebrating and fully ingesting the occasion.

A party, particularly a birthday party, is the ultimate toast to life. A time to reflect and honor the past, present and future of the birthday boy or girl. We get so bogged down in “having” to go to party after party and families often hit 3 or more kids parties in a weekend, yet something magical happens when you put on the birthday hat.

Mrs. Party has recounted that historically, “Having a party was a way to ward off the evil spirits, since one is surrounded by family and friends in a celebration of life. A celebration or gathering became a protection from harm.” Is this why we wack the guts out of a piñata?

Whether a girls day in, kid’s birthday or a blowout black tie affair, parties can be thrown on no budget, a shoestring makeshift budget or megawatt 24 Karat budget and there are a ton of resources to guide you how, including, the newly published book "Plan To Party" (we'll be chatting with the author's on this week's radio show).

Yet no amount of money can replace maximizing every moment to connect with your fellow party goers and morsel the sweetness of the happy times. Always plan to celebrate. I love scoping out my friend’s family and friends and seeing who is their support system. It helps put a lot of the pieces of the puzzle into place!!

For example, at one of my friend’s wedding was the first time I ever experienced being shoved off of the buffet line. I was stunned. I’m usually the first one in there and doing the shoving. Not with her familia!! It was like the Great Wall of China formed with her relatives around the food tables. I literally was left picking at the scraps when they cleared. I still haven’t fully recovered from this experience and know to never ever mess with that crew!!

My husband is notoriously a ghost during cocktail parties, he usually ditches me to stake out the food. After 9 years, I’m used to it and know I can usually find him being perched by the kitchen so he can get first dibs on the pass arounds.

I love throwing a good party, starting with my infamous New Year’s Eve parties in high school, which my parents always seemed to come home just a tad too early before all the evidence was cleared. Those got me into some pretty fine messes and making some amendments to my resolutions.

My mom and I were recently reminiscing about those parties and the parties of the “Cousins Club”. This was a semi annual gathering of ALL my family members at one of the grandparent’s houses. I remember packing into my grandmother’s basement and her serving up her famous army pot full of spaghetti and meatballs, we were all elbow to elbow with aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents as far as the eye could see.

My mom and my cousin were talking about recreating the “Cousins Club” for the next generation. We already do have regular family gatherings during the holidays and my dad’s famous annual barbeque, which are a blast, but now the "Cousins Club" is officially called to order again. Woohoo!

I’ll take parties and any of life’s infinite reasons to celebrate any day over the other side of the coin. Like my grandparent's used to say, "See you again, only for good times, God willing."

I think of Diane Keaton and Steve Martin at the end of "Father of The Bride", sitting in their house after the wedding of their daughter, knowing that they now have to clean up the mess in their home after having survived and hosted their daughter’s rite of passage into marriage as she’s off out starting her new life.

I love this pearl that my cousin-in-law Elizabeth Mascali writes in the "Plan to Party" book, "A well hosted party gives people a chance to slow down, reconnect, and create memories that add grace, beauty and humor into our lives. A good party never ends. The memories last a lifetime - and longer."

A most beautiful mess indeed.

Sweet Treats - M's Gems

2010-10-15T15:45:00.000-04:00

By: Melissa Goldberg

Photo Found Here

Itʼs that time of year when every time Iʼm strolling through the supermarket aisles I become tempted by the Halloween displays of candy. All of which seem to bring me back to my childhood and suddenly make me want to be nostalgic and tear open a box of milk duds. It also seems that there are multiple displays, at various points throughout the supermarket that prey on my willpower. What is it about a 2 pound bag of candy corn that makes me want to nonchalantly grab and toss it into my cart? I donʼt understand why I have to unleash this strength of character to avoid grabbing for those mini Hersheyʼs?

They sell this stuff all year long and for some reason because itʼs October and Halloween is approaching, it seems as though I can't resist! It's like I have allowed myself a sense of entitlement to buying and eating all this candy.

Before I go any further, I am not going to preach that candy is bad, itʼs not. Okay, maybe a little bad but itʼs delicious and it makes us happy. When put into perspective and eaten in moderation it is a perfect addition to any holiday or special occasion. A birthday party would not be the same without birthday cake and Easter would not be the same without jellybeans. Hanukah would not be the same without chocolate gelt and could you imagine Christmas without candy canes and gingerbread houses?

While the holidays have always had the traditional candy, it seems that every holiday these days has become a huge marketing platform and so although we have always had “sweets” as part of many celebrations over the past several years we have been introduced to an enormous amount of marketing and genius products. Have you seen how many types of peeps they make now? When I was a kid they had yellow chick shaped marshmallows only during Easter time. Now? There are orange pumpkin peeps at Halloween, snowmen at Christmas and every holiday has itʼs own shaped marshmallow. Again, Iʼm not complaining, but I am realizing, that if I donʼt maintain a level of self control I may be setting a bad example for my kids.

Perhaps spending a bit more time enjoying different activities around each holiday and embracing the traditions, my kids will have an even better time and not get so caught up over the sweets. Cynthia made a great example during this weeks radio show. She said her son immediately thinks about pizza and cake when she mentions "birthday party", so what are ways to keep the sweets involved but in a healthier way and in a way that we can emphasize the actual party and activities and encourage our children to look beyond the goody bags? Halloween is around the corner, so I have shared some gems about how to make it just as fun by thinking outside the box (of chocolates that is).

Stick to your Beliefs - Yesterday, I took my son to the doctor after he complained his throat was hurting. We were unable to see his regular doctor and we had the opportunity to meet his partner. This doctor decided to do a throat culture and she did something I had never experienced at this office. She got a sugar free lollipop and had it unwrapped and ready to pop in after she gagged him with the swab. I personally didnʼt mind, but I made a comment and said “Iʼve never seen that trick, we have to talk to Dr. Bookner about that one” and she responded “Well, the lady doctors in this office disagree with the male doctors about this all the time”. I laughed. I know our doctor is a bit of a health nut and so I wasnʼt shocked. I kind of like the whole lollipop trick but I think itʼs nice that he can stick to his style about his feelings around candy and wonʼt give his colleague grief about her style.

Moderation - Itʼs okay to indulge as long as itʼs in moderation. One of the biggest contributions to child obesity is portion control. It is important when discussing food options to stay away from what is “good” and “bad” but that moderation is key. Positive messages help avoid stress and guilt which eventually can lead eating disorders. Alexandra Zissu said it best, “Gentle nudging on food education...”

Find Healthier Options - When I was a child, it seemed the biggest problem with trick or treating was the concern for tooth decay. Although candy still causes cavities, it seems to have taken a back burner to both child obesity and candy ingredients such as unrefined sugar. There are several ways to choose healthier options and you donʼt need to give up the lollipops for carrot sticks. Simple switches are sugar free lollipops made from agave sugar or Dark chocolate instead of milk chocolate. My kids love chocolate covered strawberries and once you have a double burner of melted chocolate prepared, you will be amazed at what we find around the house to dip into chocolate. We have dipped bananas, dried apricots, pretzels, apples and granola bars. Depending on your definition of “healthy” there are many organic and fair trade options for confections that are available in local supermarkets. When Cynthia asked about her favorite treat “Rice Kripsy Treats” Alexandra Zissu offered a great alternative by using brown rice cereal and organic or homemade marshmallows.

Spend less time trick or treating and find different outdoor activities - There are many things to do before you begin your journey of trick or treating. You can have a scavenger hunt with all the kids in the neighborhood. If the children are younger have them collect leaves in the yard and have a contest who found the biggest leaf or the best colored leaf. They can make a collage with all the leaves and then set out trick or treating. Telling a silly ghost story can be fun too. Get kids into the holiday spirit by having traditions beyond collecting candy.

Talk about candy and sugar and why too much can make your body feel bad - Your beliefs about sugar are your own. Some folks have stronger thoughts about what is good and bad for your children, however we do know too much of anything is not a good thing and if you eat too much candy you might get a belly ache or a headache. Child obesity is a growing concern and when kids learn about healthy food options they will develop better food habits from a young age. There are plenty of sugar substitutes that you can try like agave.

Explore the foods of the season, what they are and where they come from - Apple picking is a fun activity to do as a family with children of all ages. Think about different questions you can ask and discuss with your kids in helping them learn. Some good questions to ask when you are apple or pumpkin picking are: What other foods grow on a tree? Which apple is your favorite? What different ways can we eat apples, cut up, whole, peeled, baked, in a pie? Even a visit to a local whole foods store can introduce your children to new types fruits and vegetables. Visit a farm and see how the animals live, what they eat and the foods they produce for us to eat.

Set Expectations or Make A Plan - The art of negotiation is never to early to start implementing. I did read you canʼt negotiate with toddlers, but I think you can. To avoid a huge upset when you do not allow your child eat their tenth piece of candy, make sure to discuss a trick or treat plan or your Easter basket plan. In our house, we allow the kids to go through their loot and pick out a couple of pieces they want. The candy collected from trick or treating “disappears” after the week is over. I suggest they eat their favorites first, this way they quickly lose interest and forget about their stash.

Wishing everyone a spooktacular Halloween!!

~ Mʼs Gems

SWEET TREATS

2010-10-12T15:42:00.000-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: A Cornucopia of Pleasure

As Halloween approaches my spirit starts playing all sorts of tricks and treats and I am thinking of Erma Bombeck’s pearl “Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”

Sweetest Treats

Every celebration is sweeter with cake. My grandmother used to always have a “surprise” Carvel cake for birthdays. In fact, Fudgy the whale joined us this past weekend for my dad’s 60^th. I remember planning my wedding and researching the symbolism of the cake.

Why is it that we have cake? Well, if you take a cue from the Roman Empire it symbolized male dominance over the female. No thanks. Search again.

I remember reading in one of my multi-cultural books (which I’ll quote when it surfaces), something like all the hopes and desires that one has, becomes infused in the “earth” form of the flour and when shared it’s one bite closer to manifestation. This works for me and I believe it’s bad luck not to have a bite of the occasion cake.

We often are on automatic and forget the meaning of what we do and why. Yet, I am programmed to treat myself when I’m feeling down or low, like coming off of last week’s super intense radio show. While some women will go out and buy a pair of shoes, I head straight to the kitchen to bake a cake, cookies, brownies..... something.

I have insanely sweet teeth and have yet to meet a brownie sundae I haven’t liked. That said, I know that grasping for that sweetness is to try to fulfill a masked part of me. To bad it’s not until I peer up from my icing covered coma that I remember this.

What sweetness am I really craving? Well, it hit me this weekend.

I was watching my kids at a fall fair, exploring the pumpkin patch, bounce house and then suddenly without prompting, they began to walk hand in hand. They were in lock step, talking to each other and laughing as they went off to go feed leftover bread to the fish in the pond.

I just watched and seized the moment to soak in the day – clear blue skies, sun shining, cool dry weather and realized, “it really doesn’t get any better then this”. Well, add in the chocolate chip cookie I was eating and the equation was complete.

Life can throw such curve balls and keep you easily distracted. We all have our fair share of challenges to barrel through. Yet, we often forget about life’s simple pleasures. The sweetest moments are waiting for you to notice and to just play, be, stop for a moment and give thanks.

These are the moments our children thrive in. My daughter is like a pixie and watching her flutter about is like magic. Through my children’s eyes I see glimpses of heaven and the sweeter side of life which brings me back to center.

Celebrating these small moments are the sweetest morsels of life. And yes, I will have another.

Bulls Eye - M's Gems Targets Child Bullies

2010-10-08T17:57:00.000-04:00

By: Melissa Goldberg

Sticks & Stones

A young man, Tyler Clementi, 18 years old, sadly committed suicide after he was embarrassed and fell victim to bullying when a video of him having sex with a male partner was uploaded onto the internet. It is appalling that a case of bullying could lead this young man to a place where he was so hurt that his only solution was to take his own life. This event has opened the eyes to many about the growing epidemic of bullying. In today’s world there are even more ways for folks to intentionally hurt another by either physical or emotional pain. What blows my mind is, I look at the picture of the young girl charged with invading Tyler Clementi’s privacy and I don’t see a “bully”. She looks like a sweet and smart girl and I wonder if she really had any idea about what the consequences would be for doing an act that was so insensitive, cruel and just plain stupid.

Have you ever heard the term “playing nice in the sandbox”? Bulling is a problem and according to statistics it’s getting worse. Bully by definition is aggressive behavior that involves unwanted, negative actions. Bullying involves a pattern of behavior repeated over time and bullying involves an imbalance of power or strength.

There are many forms of bullying such as;
1. Verbal bullying including derogatory comments and bad names
2. Bullying through social exclusion or isolation
3. Physical bullying such as hitting, kicking, shoving, and spitting
4. Bullying through lies and false rumors
5. Having money or other things taken or damaged by students who bully
6. Being threatened or being forced to do things by students who bully
7. Racial bullying
8. Sexual bullying
9. Cyber bullying (via cell phone or Internet)

Bullying incidents begin as early as elementary school age, continue throughout the school years including college and sadly enough bullying often happens to adults in the workplace as well. There is a movement that is looking to have laws passed through legislation, or better yet tighter laws on bullying, but the truth is, even with state and federal laws in place it will not be enough to stop this epidemic. Kirk Smalley, the father of Ty Smalley, who also took his life this year made a good point on our rather intense and emotional radio show this week, about laws. He said, “Robbing Banks has been against the law since the 1800’s and people are still robbing banks.” He has an excellent point and so laws can be part of the solution but we need to do more.

I had a conversation today with a friend and something she said struck me. We were discussing the topic of bullying and she mentioned how she was really concerned about her daughter. Her daughter, who is young came home from school and told her mother that a little girl said she was "ugly". My friend was visibly upset and overwhelmed with what to do. She explained that she never experienced any of this growing up. She grew up in another country and in her country they don’t bully. It is not part of her culture. "Aha!", if it is not part of her culture and it should not be part of our culture. Perhaps parents have spent a lot of time teaching kids how to protect themselves from being bullied but have we taken enough accountability in teaching our kids not to be bullies?

I look back at my child hood years and know my parents worked very hard to teach me right from wrong, but the truth is, I’ve screwed up at times and made some poor decisions. So, the question is, What do we do to make this go away? What can we do to contribute in a positive way and allow our kids to handle the situations and that they will endure them with courage and candor? How can I contribute in a positive way that will instill in their hearts and their brains that saying and doing things that will intentionally hurt another person is wrong and unacceptable?

I believe my children will never be a bullies, but I’d be naive to think my children couldn’t get caught up with a wrong group of kids and perhaps act in an inappropriate manner. My heart goes out to the family of Tyler Clementi, but I also seem to have a sympathetic side to the children who did this act of bullying, I have to assume that these kids are bright and never intended to do such a terrible and stupid prank, or to borrow from our popular culture, "Punk'd" that resulted in such tragedy. No one has mentioned any previous scenarios where these kids have been intentionally mean and done such terrible acts. So there are a couple of old school rules that we as parents should be responsible to drill into their heads, we must educate our children about bullying and how terrible it is and the consequences it can cause.

How do we not raise bullies?

Do Unto Others - Often referred to as “The Golden Rule”. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Raising kind and thoughtful children doesn’t happen by magic. It is a lesson and life skill you must teach. As children grow up they will begin to face bigger challenges in life that will test there adherence to this rule. If there is an incident tell your child to put herself in the other child’s shoes for a minute and see what it feels like to be there. As an adult, we too, need to follow this rule and so next time you get upset and treat someone unkind, try putting yourself in that persons shoes too.

Think Before You Speak - Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never harm me. Not true. Perhaps this is a great way to ward off bullies, but it is often not true at all. Words can really be hurtful to both children and adults. Teaching children at a young age to think before they speak is one of life's most important and valuable lesson.

Walk The Walk - If we want to raise kind and considerate children we must lead by example. Think about the way you talk to your spouse, your nanny, your employees, your maintenance workers. Adults are not called out for bullying, but often are using bully tactics to get things they want.

A Library of Books - Fables are great stories to use when teaching children valuable lessons. Children understand better when taught through stories. There are several children’s books about bullying and how to prevent and deal with situations. Eleanor Roosevelt said “Learn from mistakes of others, you can’t live long enough to make them all yourself”

How do we not raise bully victims?

Build Confidence. When your child feels good about himself and his achievements, he will respond better to negative comments and will be able to let things roll of his shoulders. My son recently began taking karate. He loves it and has already earned three advance stripes on his white belt. Both my husband and I agreed that Karate would be a perfect activity for him. He, like many 5 year old boys was becoming a bit aggressive. He never did anything too bad, but the occasional shove to his sister happened. We thought learning the importance of respect, discipline and humility was an important life skill along with learning self defense. What I quickly realized was, while he is learning to physically protect himself, with each stripe earned he has become a lot more confident in his own body. I’m not sure if it’s a coincidence but he even likes to walk around the house shirtless. I look at him and see a boy who with a couple of stripes of success and hard work has also gained 3 stripes of self-assurance, poise and courage. Any activity that allows your child an outlet to shine and be pleased with himself will build confidence which is a sure fire tool against bullies.

Kill with kindness - There is a great children’s book, Chester Raccoon and the Big Bully, written by Audrey Penn. The story focuses on Chester Racoon and his school friends who are being bullied by another raccoon. When Chester tells his mother he doesn’t want to go to school, she grows concerned and asks him why. Chester explains that there is a Bully raccoon who is mean and takes the ball away. Chester’s mother suggests that they stand up to the Bully but instead of retaliating they should look him straight in the eye with confidence and then ask him if he would like to join and play. In the end the Bully Raccoon is happy to be included and never bullies again. This may not apply to all situations, but statistics do show many bullies are mean because people have not been kind to them in the past and this is how they react by being unkind to others. Many bullies feel unloved and are angry.

What if you think your child is being bullied?

Listen and Communicate - Listen to your child and let them know you understand. Take their complaints seriously. The fact that your child is opening up and sharing is huge and usually whatever they tell you is most likely a fraction of what is really happening.

Be Reassuring - Children need as many people in their corner as they can get. Recognize their courage to speak up and let him know you understand how he feels. Perhaps share a childhood memory about a time you felt bullied. Try to find a solution or plan to move forward and always keep your word.

Don’t Play Superman - You will not help any situation by confronting a bully yourself. You cannot go onto the school bus and yell at a bully. This is not a good example, since you are now the bully and it will not help your child in the long run.

At the end of the day, we all have our fair share in the bully ring and compassion for the bully, the victim and yourself as the parent comes first.

For more information about bullying tips, below are some helpful websites you can refer to.
Safe Child
www.Bullying.org
www.No-bully.com
www.Cyberbullying.org

Bulls Eye

2010-10-05T16:17:00.003-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: My Name Is Rudolph

All Hands In!

My sixth grade teacher taught me a most invaluable pearl when she said, “Cynthia, you need to grow thicker skin”.

I was a super sensitive kid and really needed to stop letting everything affect me so deeply. My knee jerk response was to sway to the other side of the pendulum and test my forte at being a biaaaaatch and wearing impenetrable armor. My shield became so fortified by 8^th grade, that you couldn’t even ask me for a piece of gum.

It took me time to work out the proper balance and I still get hit with zingers. We all do.

We all have our trigger points. Those chords that if you touch, near, poke or call out will set us right off. What might strike me may roll off your back. What might roll off my back may settle inside you, fester and ignite a long fuse which will make you go postal one day at the office when your boss calls you the same name.

When I picture the typical bully, this is the movie scene that plays in my mind.

A large kid on the playground, named Butch, slowly approaches a little kid with glasses, named Rudolph, who just found his way out of his locker, and demands his lunch money or his jacket, calls him names, threatens him with a peanut (he’s allergic), all the while a group of kids circle around them to watch, witness, take sides and egg on “fight, fight.” The girl Rudolph likes is there. There’s not a teacher in sight. All eyes are on Rudolph, how will he respond, does he take it (again), wimp out (again) or does he finally snap and unleash wholly hell onto his nemesis. The suspense builds.

And scene. It’s a great scene, except when Rudolph the runt was you or worse, is your child.

I have played both Rudolph and Butch and seen others as well. I remember being in a position of seeing someone’s “weakness”, calling it out and wielding it as a sword. One particular instance involved a girl with a hearing impairment. We were sitting on the camp bus and I talked to her quite often and considered her a “friend”. That is, until we had a disagreement and I, in a very “Mean Girl” way said something like “uh, your deaf.”

No matter what I said or did after that it didn’t matter, it was out there and I couldn’t take it back and obviously still a regrettable utterance and a very uncomfortably numb moment.

We all have regrettable moments on both sides of the pendulum.

In my high school yearbook, I quoted Shaun Prowdzik’s pearl “I’d always knew I’d look back on the times I cried and laugh, but I never thought I’d look back on the times I laughed and cry.”

Words can be your greatest sword striking deep and most comforting shield.

It’s the subtle nature of words and how they play on a person and reverberate. You can fortify yourself with all the comebacks in the world but ultimately you need a lot more than rubber and glue, especially if you’re allergic to adhesives.

Some never learn how to build a shield, for me, my shield was and is reinforced by my family and friends. Yet no matter how strong the shield at first, it can get worn down after some persistent chaffing. You get pushed down enough soon enough you don’t bother trying to get back up. It’s all fun and games, that is, until it isn’t.

It may not be enough for Rudolph, who finally builds up enough courage to share his playground tussle with his father to just get a swat on the back and say, “hey, that’s how it is, toughen up kid.”

That’s the world my dad grew up in, where being bullied, picked on and beat up (and vice versa) was a rite of passage. He is a Brooklyn boy after all.

The world now is a bit different, sensitive, if you will.

We must not only adapt but be conscious of how our words and actions will and effect another. In other words, think before we speak/act. Or, re-constitute what we are saying/doing. What is socially acceptable? Except that sometimes you really don't realize the impact until you say it or test it and then you learn "why." That's great, a valuable lesson learned, but in your test case, there was a crash test dummy.

Social interactions will test our limits and we constantly live in a laboratory.

Just watch toddlers interact in the playground and when they lose it. Usually it’s pretty clear, “that's mine” “he took it”. The playground can be a breeding ground where bullying tendencies are first tested. The kid who always takes the toy to invoke a response from his peer or parent. A parent may intervene and stop his little Ben from earning the name "Butch", encourage him into it or be a silent passive observer.

The playground morphs as we do into a park, school (elementary, high school, college, graduate), work, home, camp, foreign country, old age home or the new frontier – cyberspace. A bully can wear many guises and may come forth as a friend, family member, lover, colleague, peer, employer or a complete stranger.

Is it really our nature to prey upon and exploit the weak?

The bully senses an insecurity, ahhh fresh meat. Targeting systems locked on the "hit me" sign on their victim's back. Our bullies prophetically know how to take a mirror and reflect exactly what we don't want to see, what our shadow parts have been working so hard to hide, mask, tuck away. If they play on that card, our house of cards crumble.

We all work to feel secure in the skin we are in and with the hand we are dealt particularly as those cards keep shuffling throughout our lives. We all take our lumps, some, unfortunately more then others.

Even if you or your child is Rudolph and wears the seemingly worst ensemble ever known to human kind consisting of all 52 cards in the good old abominable stigma deck, imagine him loving himself for all the 52 socially good reasons not to and regardless of whether the world understands him or better, the world he knows and experiences accepts him perfectly as he is and he is a most welcome participant in the reindeer games regardless of his skin density.

That is a bulls eye.

So what do you do if you or your child are a bully or being bullied? We’ll be exploring this week on our Radio Show and M’S Gems….

RESOURCES:

Mayo Clinic - “Child Bullying”

American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry

Kids Health

BE KIND CAMPAIGN

“Queen Bees & WannaBees” - Rosalind Wiseman

The Shadow Effect - Debbie Ford

CNN is doing a week long investigation and has a ton of articles from all angles of bullying on its website.

SHORT BUS - M's Gems

2010-10-01T11:32:00.001-04:00

By: Melissa Goldberg

Okay, first take a deep breath.

Hand Print Image

Oprah once opened her television show by asking, “If your child stopped speaking, wouldnʼt look you in the eye and completely ignored the world around them, What would you do?” Iʼll continue from here, “What would you do if the moment your baby was born, the doctors told you something was wrong? When you sat down with you childʼs teacher or physician, they told you they thought your child should to be evaluated for a learning disability?

Once you begin to register the situation, your “normal” life enters into a world of challenges, a world of difficult choices and a world of interactions with all types of professionals and specialists. Besides all this, you will experience a sweep of emotions and the feeling that you got a lot more than you bargained for.

The good news is, you are not alone. The statistics for the amount of children diagnosed with any disability is astounding. Fortunately over the last 30 years our scientists have made tremendous advances and our federal government has come a long way in providing services for our children, protection of their rights and access to the same privileges as any normal child.

This week we looked into the world of children with learning disabilities. We quickly realized in our research for this weeks radio show, that Cynthia and I could spend weeks and perhaps months on this topic, particularly when you begin to break down the different disabilities and the levels on what they call “the spectrum”. It's a lot to digest and has taken us to a whole new depth in our journey.

What are the different learning disabilities?

So, to those who are wondering what are learning disabilities, there are several. They can fall within any area of your child's being - mental, physical, emotional, developmental.

The Federal Government, specifically under the Individuals with Disabilities Act (IDEA), lends it's support and offers a broad definition for “child with a disability” to encompass "mental retardation, hearing impairment (including deafness), speech or language impairments, visual impairments (including blindness, orthopedic impairment, autism, traumatic brain injury or other health impairments or learning disabilities.' A whole host of disabilities fall within the subset of "other".

When I was growing up we heard about "mental retardation" but now we hear more about Autism, mainly because it affects 1 out of every 110 children. Many people may not be familiar with what it actually is or with the "other" disabilities. Autism, is defined as “a disability affecting verbal and nonverbal communication and social interaction, generally evident before age 3, that adversely affects a childʼs educational performance.”

Considering, all US children have a right to a free public education, what Congress and the government does is to look at whether and how a child's "disability" will effect a childʼs educational performance. Every child is entitled to an evaluation if deemed necessary to discover the severity of the disability and to help determine the types of help, aids and services the child will need to help with their education.

So, if for any reason your momma gut is telling you something is wrong, you can seek a professional's help. You do not go out of pocket for an evaluation and you can request one through your school district and talk to your pediatrician. Both will guide you through the process and help you find an evaluation agency. The evaluation helps to begin putting pieces of the puzzle together. Once your child is evaluated and recommended for services, then the paper work and process begins. It's a long and emotional process but through this you become empowered into action.

We had two very special guests this week on our radio show, who shared their personal stories and ongoing journey as a parent to a child with two distinct disabilities. We spoke with Kera McCloughlin, a representative from Autism Speaks and a mom of a little boy with Autism. She walked us through her son's early years, the behaviors that raised flags, how he is progressing and the research, resources, support and work of Autism Speaks. We also spoke with Ellen, who writes an award winning Blog, Love That Max that chronicles her and her sonʼs journey with cerebral palsy which developed after a stroke at birth. She shared their struggles and triumphs and how she created her support system in a pre-mommy blogger world.

You Are Not Alone - When my daughter was born with a rare birth defect, I was blessed to find an organization and community to help our family get the help and support we needed. My daughter was born with a problem that occurs in only 1 in 30,000 births. Hearing that statistic I thought I was alone, but I was not. I have connected with parents and patients from all over the world who have been a tremendous wealth of education, help and moral support. Whenever a parent posts about an upcoming procedure, within a couple of hours the outpour of prayers and support often leaves me sitting at my computer with tears of gratitude for this “family” I have found. My own family and friends have never let us down and have always been there. So, if you are dealing with any kind of issue itʼs okay to ask for help or at least a hug.

Take Care of Yourself Too - Living and raising a child with any type of disability brings on many emotions. You ride the emotional roller coaster daily. For me, in the beginning I felt fear with a twist of denial. I felt anger. Sometimes at just the situation but at other times it was anger towards any innocent victim, such as a hospital administrator or a medical assistant that ticked me off. Also, for full disclosure, at times there has been grief and guilt. All are normal emotional responses and so I embrace them when they surface and throw myself a self pity party. Itʼs a short, quick and messy party and then I get back up on my horse and out there fighting. When speaking with other moms about the emotions a parent faces when raising a child with a disability there are days of powerlessness and disappointment, but whatʼs amazing is there are days of satisfaction, joy and gratification. Ellen spoke about her son Maxʼs little milestones and how wonderful and excited she gets when he accomplishes something new like holding his fork.

A Child is Always a Child First - One gem that Ellen mentioned which is worth repeating is that she does not feel she is someone to be pitied. It's often disconcerting for people to see other people, particularly a child with an obvious disability or handicapped. We often do not know how to respond and regress into our own feelings. What is shifting as more children are born and living with disabilities is our perception, understanding and inclusion of these children. So next time you are out at the park and see a child with a disability, encourage your child to interact with them in the same way you would any other child.

And exhale.

Resources:
Some resources available for both you and your children and the resources I used to put together these Gems.
Autism Speaks
United Cerebral Palsy Organization
National Dissemination Center for Children With Disability
Learning Disability Online

For Further Information and History About the Government's Support & YOUR RIGHTS!
How the government protects our children - Since the 1960ʼs the Federal government has come along way when it relates to individuals with disabilities and in particular to children and youth. IDEA being the most prominent, has been revised many times and is quite extensive. I wonʼt go into too much detail but will share some of the most common and supportive acts to date.

IDEA - the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act - IDEA is a legislation on special education and is broken down into four parts A,B,C and D. Part A refers to the general provisions. Part B refers to Assistance for Education of All Children with Disabilities. Part C refers to Infants and Toddlers with Disabilities and Part D refers to National Activities to Improve Education of Children with Disabilities. IDEA was enacted in 1975 to ensure all children with disabilities have the opportunity to receive a free appropriate public education (FAPE).

NCLB - No Child Left Behind - Act of 2001, is the Nationʼs latest general education law. The intent is to hold each state responsible for making sure all students are held to high standards. This Act is intended to narrow the gap between children in low poverty areas. This law requires states to offer public records of testing statistics and school performance marks.

Assistive Technology Act - This was first passed by Congress and signed by the president in 1998 and reauthorized in 1994, 1998, 2004 and through 2010. It is intended to ensure that people with disabilities have access to assistive technology devices and services. This act also includes coordinating services and therapies under an educational plan.

Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act and ADA - Section 504 is a civil rights law that prohibits discrimination on the basis of disability. This law helps children who require special education and related services under section 504 of the 1973 Rehabilitation Act. FERPA - Family Educational Right to Privacy Act. This protects the privacy of your childʼs school records.

SHORT BUS

2010-09-28T13:33:00.002-04:00

Image from Womans Day

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: The New Normal

As an expectant mom, I scoured and assessed my kid's potential gene pool but like Forrest Gump’s Momma’s famous pearl, “Life is Like a Box of Chocolates and you never know what you’re gonna get.”

You cannot control who your children will be or what they will be predisposed to (at least science is not fully there yet). Any expectant mother and father has nightmares during those nine months. While numerous tests are conducted in Utero to detect any “defects”, there are many things that go undetected or develop later in life.

At any stage of the game you dread hearing any variation of “something is wrong” with your baby/child/adolescent/young adult. Those locked and loaded words uttered by your doctor, mother, friend or teacher, trigger a chord that’s unlike anything else you’ve ever felt before.

Your child, now an enigma and so begins your rounds to the neurologist, audiologist, orthopedist, (insert specialist here) and repeat. You request an evaluation from your school district (which you are entitled to).

As you brace yourself for the diagnosis, your entire being passes through its first emotional boxing match which ding, ding, ding goes like this – Upper Cut – I didn’t realize, Body Blow - Should’ve done more, Jab – He’ll never be Normal, Back Hand – I wasn’t attentive, and the One - Two Punch – What if? Uh, It’s All My Fault. You’re down for the count and alas you by knockout, win the “worst mother of all time heavyweight championship belt.”

Defeated, you lay riddled with guilt, and fully believing Dr. Leo Kanner’s 1940’s (now overturned) theory that “Autism is a condition caused by ‘cold, unloving mothers.’” Eventually you come to and realize that Dr. Leo probably had serious mommy issues and needs a session with Dr. Freud.

Kicking yourself doesn’t help your child but action does. As you peel yourself up you remind yourself of Barb Ling’s pearl that although “it might be raining where you're standing now, pull yourself higher and eventually you'll see above the clouds.”

Once diagnosed, it’s a whole new ballgame.

In order to qualify for “services” you must grant parental “consent” for your child to be “Classified as Disabled.” Wait. Your child, YOUR baby Jesus - disabled? Officially? On paper? By the State? It’s a tough pill to swallow and so begins your next round in the boxing ring of why isn't your child "normal".

Ultimately you will seek and fight for as many services as you can get for your child.

In your quest for your kid’s perfect path down the yellow brick road, you realize your GPS is screwed up, but it’s not a desolate path and there are bystanders to extend a cup of water, a tissue, and help direct you at the next fork in the road.

Luckily, we’ve come a long way in the area of Special Needs thanks to legislation, education, science, early childhood intervention, nonprofits and a growing army of parental advocates. Chances are a hundred, if not thousand, if not a hundred thousand other people are facing the same challenges as your family.

If you’ve ever experienced a “disability” you’ll know how frustrating it is and how powerless it can feel. Falling into my own memory of needing help with reading comprehension, my first black eye, being immobilized after my two C-sections, hobbling on crutches in high school after surgery, and recently when I broke my toe and lost my voice, each time facing the daily struggles and relying on different skills to compensate.

As a parent, you just want to rest assured that whatever your child faces that help is available and their needs, whether "special" or otherwise, can and will be supplied in a nurturing manner and hopefully without breaking your bank or your spirit.

We are all mapped and hardwired in different ways and with all of our moving parts, it’s a miracle that any of us function.

With every 1 in 110 children facing life on the Autism spectrum and the origins unknown, we are re-thinking of how we are wired. We are facing a new world where "not normal" is more the norm. Maybe these children will lead us deeper into our hearts.

Every parent experiences heartbreaks and triumphs and with special needs children it’s no different and to be expected, you will see your child sprint ahead one day then sit on the sidelines the next. The roller coaster never seems to end.

Yet, with each up and down, together you will build a fortress of strength and hopefully, share in the sweetness of discovering each new morsel in your select box of chocolates.

While we are closing out of our Back To School month by throwing the doors open to exploring children with "special needs", this too, is just the beginning of our path.

Resources:

Autism Speaks

Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA):

Temple Grandin

Children With Special Needs

Fellow Bloggers:

Love That Max

Jana Banin

Old School? No Homeschool - M'S GEMS

2010-09-24T10:41:00.001-04:00

By: Melissa Goldberg

Well, I will admit right off the bat, Iʼve been schooled this week. I learned a heck of a lot about something I had prematurely judged and even shook my head at. This weeks show went to a place Cynthia and I have never been too. We spoke with two impressive and admirable mothers who have home schooled their children. As part of my research for this topic, I surveyed some parents about their thoughts on home schooling. I was not alone in my misconceptions or ideas about this approach.

Image Found Here

I heard comments like “home - schoolers donʼt get any socialization skills”, or “donʼt people do that for religious reasons?” and “Thatʼs crazy to be in the house all day teaching kids”. Again, my field work only consisted to the Queens-Long Island area where itʼs not a common practice. I also only polled a few folks and so by no means can I call this extensive research but I was amazed that no one even said they had considered it for themselves.

I am proud and excited to share some gems from this weeks radio show. My eyes have been opened to a practice that in some circumstances makes sense for a family. We spoke with Anna Darrah, a single working mom, who took the journey of homeschooling her daughter. When her daughter turned 12 and came to an educational fork in the road, she explored the homeschool option. Although her daughter did end up back into a school system two years later, she had provided a great bridge of education over the two years between one school and another. In our conversation with Tracy Gideon Wagner, we discussed her experiences of homeschooling her first grade son over the past two years. In addition, to home schooling her son, she is raising a set of 4 year old twins who she will be enrolling in her daily lesson plans next year. Her approach to home schooling is very realistic and she takes each day as it comes.

About two years ago, my husband and I came to the same point as Tracy and her family. We had young children (my twins) who were only a couple of years away from entering school. Where we lived at the time did not offer the a public school option we were comfortable with. I had researched the testing scores for the schools and was not very impressed. Besides private school being very expensive, I was not interested in the ridiculous procedure to get a child placed. I was not interested in child interviews and even less interested in parent screening. We were concerned and anxious about their schooling and our solution was to pack up and leave the city life and head for the burbs. Even after we arrived, we took our time to research and find a town with a school system we liked. We have made sacrifices to live in a place where the schools have a great reputation. We have embraced and love our new community and have no regrets what so ever and so I guess I wonʼt be researching the home school option. I will say, even in a town where the reputation of the school system is great, there are still issues that leave parents nervous and concerned. Although there is a high standard of learning in our district, children are also exposed to high pressures to do well, there is a lot of competitiveness and Iʼm sure itʼs had some incidences of bullying and peer pressure amongst the kids.

After an hour of listening about home schooling, the processes and the practice. I now understand why families take this path. This week instead of “Gemʼs”, I will call them “Myth busters” about homeschooling.

For Religious Reasons - Yes, religion does often play a role in a families decision to homeschool, but there are several other reasons parents feel more comfortable keeping their kids home. For Tracy, she had done her research and was not happy with what she had heard about her local public school. Other reasons parents have decided to homeschool their kids are due to their frustrations with overcrowding, violence, poor teachers, distance to school when a child has a physical or learning disability.

Home School Kids Arenʼt Getting Enough Socialization - A classroom is not the only place a child socializes. Because the days are more relaxed and breaks are essential, parents do make an extra effort to schedule play dates. The children sign up for extra curricular activities such as sports teams, scouting and after school programs. The kids often finds themselves at the park for "park days". The home school kids end up with lots of friends and acquaintances just like the kids who sit in a classroom 5 days a week.

Home School Children are Weird - Even parents who homeschool had this concern before they decided to homeschool. The truth is, there are some weird kids everywhere! In school, at home, weird is weird. At least if you are with your "weird" child, you know best how to approach him and your child will get the most customized teaching plans!

You Have to Home School Forever - There is no life sentence to homeschooling. We learned from Anna that after 10 years in the Montessori school system she decided to explore other options for her daughter and decided to home school. She spent 2 years of working and traveling with her daughter. They were two amazing and inspirational years however, she felt that her daughter needed more structure, guidance and other teenagers to bounce off of so enrolling her into a school was the best next step. The advice we got from Tracy was it is important to take it one year at a time. She also offed a great piece of advice that each family should have a mission statement. The purpose of this is to figure out what you want for your child or better, what do you want your child to be like in the future. A mission statement helps you navigate through your childʼs school years and helps you make decisions for what is best for your child.

Moms Homeschool - They donʼt “play school” - Tracy debunked my myth and theory about what a home school childʼs day looks like. A school day at home does not involve 6 - 8 hours of a child sitting at a desk in your living room while you are standing at black board teaching. This type of curriculum allows a childʼs learning to be very relaxed. Home schooling is done in a more natural state and is very flexible. There isnʼt time spent on attendance, lining up and all the distractions that take place in a classroom. Families can take trips more often and best part is no HOME WORK!! It's more like Field Research. Homeschool children often find themselves in museums, art galleries and libraries a lot more often then classroom children.

Home School Parents are on Their Own - We discussed many resources for parents of home schooled children. The internet offers a huge amount of information and support. There are home school groups and home school co-ops each with their own resources and practices. Some allow other parents to rotate teaching and some organize group activities, such as park time and field trips. If you Google “Homeschool” you will be blown away at the amount of web sites available to provide curriculums, information and the local and state laws. One site that Tracy recommended as the place to start so you know the legal requirements in your state is the Home School Legal Defense Association.

There is Never Any Down Time - I asked Tracy what her day looked like. I wondered if she too woke up in the morning, hopped out of bed and was a lunatic for the two hours before the yellow bus drove away? In our house, I am usually dragging kids out of bed, sometimes twice because they often climb back in if I leave the room. I am chasing them to get their socks and shoes on, combing hair, packing snacks and lunches, getting book bags together and getting myself ready for a work as well. I consider myself quite organized, but the mornings are still a rush to the finish line. Both Anna and Tracy said one of the best things about home schooling is that there is no crazy morning routine. Mornings are calm and there isnʼt any rush hour like most homes. A home school child can often be found curled up on the couch with a book or sitting at the kitchen table going through a work book.

It is not a myth about the amount of time and dedication it takes to homeschool a child. Tracy admitted she does not possess superhuman patience and often calls for quiet time so that she can take her own timeout.

Tracy shared a pearl about home schooling - The pro of homeschooling is you are with your kids all the time. The con of homeschooling is you are with your kids all the time.

There is no way I am signing my kids out of school and setting up a blackboard at home, but I will admit I am a bit envious and in awe of the parents who have made the unselfish and courageous decision to homeschool their children. Home schooling seems to be a constant trial run and sometimes it works well and sometimes it doesnʼt. For now I will have to trust my local public system to give my children what they need in education and will have to grin and bare the endless hours of projects and homework I get to do with my kids each day.

Mʼs Gems

Old School? No, Home School

2010-09-21T20:52:00.003-04:00

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: A New Time Out

When I think of homeschooling I think of Robert Frost’’s pearl “education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self confidence.”

As far as homeschooling goes, I think I’d lose both and am fairly certain the experience would push my whole family over the edge.

Imagine waking up everyday and setting a lesson plan for your kids. I find it’s hard enough to wake them, clean them, dress them, pack lunch, send them off to a "conventional" school and remember to pick them up, but being responsible for ALL that they learn and sticking to a game plan each day? Oye!

I love finding the teachable moments for my kids, especially as my son is grasping letters and words. I’ll stop mid street to point out a sign and ask him to read off the letters and driving is a whole new exciting adventure to read the exit signs, stop signs and mark all the colors and objects we spy.

We count at home and I’m beginning to re-learn, I mean, teach basic math with the apples in the fruit bowl. As parents, we naturally teach our children everyday yet there’s a whole other layer added to the parent/master – child/student relationship when the parent is also the primary educational teacher.

Next time you are sitting at a holiday meal with your family, picture your uncle teaching your kids science, your aunt – math, your grandpa – history, grandma – English and cousin - art. Wow, I’m scared.

Despite certain beliefs, homeschooling is not just for hermits or extreme religious groups. Over one million American children are homeschooled, with many of the parents being well educated and the numbers are on the rise. Many families do opt to homeschool their children primarily for religious reasons, safety concerns and overall dismay over local public schools yet there’s another crop of "normal" parents who just want to do it for their children. Yep, homeschooling is making a comeback and the stigma is alleviating.

Homeschooling used to be the primary way to receive an education. Back in the day, before public schools were even established, kids learned at home and from their community. Many cultures around the world still implore this methodology. I instinctually picture “tribal life” where different members of the tribe taught the youngsters. The women taught domestic skills, men - hunting skills, the shaman – mystical skills, the elders – wisdom. Rites of passage being the equivalent of standardized testing.

Our modern society is organized like a super-sized tribe. We all assume different roles and take up expertise in our fields to help, provide for and teach our fellow man. Our school systems follow suit. Teachers have their subjects of expertise and the kids move from teacher to teacher for the next enrichment.

You have freedom to choose how your kids are educated. While there are mandates and “compulsory” education requirements, which vary by State, you can opt for a different setting, same curriculum as your neighbors but different setting. The US Supreme Court believes that “States may set educational standards but may not limit how parents choose to meet those educational standards." (Wikipedia, Runyon v. McCrary)

There are resources and support groups available to aid families who embark on this endeavor. You are not alone. You also do not have to home school all by yourself. Depending on your State, groups of families can create their own private schools and switch off days and subjects. So instead of a playgroup, it’s a school group.

Many parents feel relief when they drop their kids off at their "conventional" school, a glorified child-care system that gives parents a few precious hours “off duty”. In New York, my kids pre-school is techinically considered “day care”. Do homeschooling moms have downtime? It’s a great sacrifice of your “free” time to make to home school your kids.

This week finds me asking more questions then usual. I’m particularly excited to speak with 2 moms on the Mommas Pearls radio show about their homeschooling successes and failures. I mean, is there such a thing as a sick day? Snow day? Spring Break? Does home economics merge with lunchtime? Is all the work “homework”? If every moment becomes a teachable moment then what is the home school equivalent of a time out?

My sister would be teaching her kids all about the different fashion designers and I'm pretty sure my family's school uniform would be our pajamas.

Lots of homework this week!

Resources:

Lets Homeschool

US Department of Education
Homeschool Legal Defense Association

National Center for Education Statistics

Wikipedia

Homeschooling Blogger

El Nino - M'S Gems

2010-09-17T13:25:00.002-04:00

By: Melissa Goldberg

Well, the new school year is off and running and our busy schedules are falling into place. Even my son has gotten used to our “new” breakfast schedule. Many of us are getting used to going through the homework folders and if your children are anything like my son, when you ask them what they did in school today? You get a “nada”. I personally have pledged to be a nagging momma and I will continue to ask specific questions with the smallest hope of finding out just some sordid detail about his day. To my relief, I attended open house this evening and it turns out, my son is doing something in school, contrary to what he tells me.

I am super thrilled to learn that they will introduce Spanish to his curriculum. If only I paid a bit more attention to Senor Colorito in high school. There many days I say to myself, “I wish I could remember some of that Spanish I learned in high school”.

I did have the benefit of learning another language in first grade and all through my grade school years. I am thankful for the gift, however I struggled to grasp the language because no one spoke it at home. After college, I traveled for a summer to Israel and it was such a great feeling to use my long lost tongue. I struggled with my grammar, but people embraced my effort to speak in their dialect and helped me get through every conversation. I recognize the language I learned hasn’t been the most useful language day to day, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I was given the gift to read and write in another language and I would never throw that away.

I don’t think I’m alone in wanting my children to learn another language. Although my children are still young I already worry about the level of competitiveness there is to get into college and to difficulty of getting a job after graduation. The ability to speak another language has benefits that pay off throughout life.

Studies Have Shown...
... Benefits academic progress in other subjects
... Benefits basic skills development
... Benefits higher order, abstract and creative thinking
... Helps students score higher on standardized tests
... Improves chances of college acceptance, achievement and attainment
... Enriches and enhances cognitive development

(all references via web; National Council of State Supervisors for Languages; American Council on the Teaching of Foreign Languages)

A Second Language is Complimentary to Every Profession - We live in a global society and business is done all over the world. Even when employees are hidden away in their little cubicles, often they are attending to business all over the world. There isn’t any profession that doesn’t appreciate someone who is fluent in another language. Chef’s study in other countries to learn the language and cuisines of other cultures. Physicians can treat and help more patients when they can communicate in other languages. Again, when thinking about going into the work world, being fluent in another language is a skill set that immediately sets you apart for a job then another person who isn't.

Builds Self Esteem - Studies have shown foreign language study builds self esteem and enhances a student’s achievement. Hence, your child will be patting himself on the back!

Makes a Parent Proud - I feel compelled to add this gem because I know, all through my childhood and even now as an adult how proud my mom is every time she hears me speak or read Hebrew. As a parent, we want our kids to exceed our own abilities and to learn more then we will ever learn.

So When and Where Do I Start? - During our conversation on this weeks radio show with Julia Pimsleur-Levine, founder of the Little Pim foreign language learning series, we asked her this very question. She told us at any age really. In fact, research has shown and proven that babies are born equipped to learn one or more language starting from birth. Even playing music in other languages kick starts the process of babies hearing different sounds and learning the rhythm of other languages. Scientifically by the age of 5, the early learning window begins to close. A child’s ear becomes accustomed to the sounds of the language it is learning, (think about the sounds of the English language) and when you later on expose new sounds and tones that are “foreign” to them (think about the sounds of Chinese or French), the effort or interest to retain them becomes less and less over time. The younger the better it is to begin to expose your child to a second language.

Keep It Silly - We asked Julia the best advice her dad ever gave her and she shared, “Don’t be afraid to sound silly when trying to learn. In fact, make it silly so its fun for your kids.” Go on adventure with Dora The Explorer and Ni Hao Kai-Lan and like Cynthia's kids, soon they'll be screaming "Ayudame!" rather than "Help!".

One At A Time or Mix Up The Dialects - Julia also recommended picking one language and sticking to it. If you want to begin teaching more than one language at a time, she recommends not teaching similar languages at once but selecting two diversely sounding languages. For example, don’t teach two romance languages - French, Italian, Spanish but instead mix it up with Spanish and Chinese.

If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart. ~ Nelson Mandela

With Love...

עם האהבה
Con Amore
愛を込めて (Ai o komete)
Avec l”amour 爱 (Ài)
με αγάπη (me agápi)

~ M’s GEM’s

Full Disclosure:

Little Pim, Co. is an official sponsor of Mommas Pearls and we have received free product samples. Check out our review of Little Pim, Co.'s products and our special coupon by clicking here.